Deluded into your dangerous comfort,
into your bed of lies...
tied down by your empty promises
and stimulated by fantasies
that will never be...

I've tread down that path before
I know I should ignore all that sweet nothings
whispers of a simple life come from a complicated source
I wish that i could be a simple source...

You're like a nightmare that revealed all my dark secrets.
You're also like a dream where secrets are implored.
You're like a vampire in the night that comes and takes me...
away from petty troubles but leave me lifeless and dead.

Playing with fire has never been part of my plan..
But lately I have thrown away the map to life
the worried smiles,
the faded laughter,
the contented sigh,
realisation after
I make you leave.

i don't really know if its goin out to anyone in particular~

Comments

its been a really busy period for me since last quarter of last year... Hence not much time to update my blog or even chat on MSN (ah... the good ole days of having NO MSN)

Thursdays usually mean DOuble O, no matter what~ But now, I've been really taking time off clubbing... No time, Saving Money, Can't afford to go school late and all that... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? It feels good! I really appreciate other things more like, spending more time at home.. okay, yar, 90% of the time typing furiously in front of the comp... I also realised I have more energy to focus on other things that I've been neglecting... My Best Friend, my Mi, my Nicky... My classmates are (hopefully) loving the more available Me.. coz i've been taking time off work as well. Maybe I've been striking the right balance... sometimes balance isn't about Half & Half... Its like the food pyramid where you're supposed to have proportionate amounts of food groups.

So the tip of my life pyramid would be -
ME TIME, clubbing, shopping, chilling & basically activities involving the expenditure of cash

followed by -
Studying like hell & doing projs for the final leg of the polytechnic race

followed by -
spending time with family, Also, personal Me Time to read in my rocking chair, pamper myself with my secret indulgences

followed by the largest group of all -
spending time with my family! visiting my mom and trying to make conversation with my gdpa...

Its like putting on the right glasses and clarity ensues!
I've learnt which are more impt than others and also to not waste time on fruitless things & people that mean nothing to your very valuable future..
Yes, if something bad happens, take some time to go thru the grief process then pick yourself up and move on...

I'm a very happy person indeed...

Okay, I have 5 mins more to actually sleep BEFORE 12 midnite for the first time in god knows how long...

happy chinese new year everyone...

smile like you mean it!

Comments

Rule No.2: Listen dammit...
Its like comprehension and literature.. every word has a meaning, every gesture, facial expression and tone carries a message. Listen with your heart but dont' assume. When in doubt, ask... At least it shows that you are listening

Rule No. 3: Look to Future but Never Forget the Past
As much as people say "Don't look back!", how could you? You are what you are today because of what happened in the past. At the same time, don't dwell too much on what has happened and focus more on the future, how to make things better, how to not let (bad) history repeat itself and realise that everything is a continuous entity...

Rule No. 4: Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say
Don't lie, don't cover, don't smother your words with vain attempts of subtlety and expect people to understand you. Just speak your mind.

Rule No. 5: Pick Up After Yourself
Never expect others to clear up your own mess and stop moping like a cry baby at the mess you made. You pick it up yourself and stop wallowing in self pity

Rule No. 6: Don't Take Things For Granted
The ones you love now may be gone someday... appreciate and love them as if its your last chance to. Never take what they've done for you as something mandatory. Every little gesture, no matter how repeatedly done, is their little token of love for you. To not acknowledge and appreciate it is just like throwing it back in their face.

Rule No. 7: Be Patient With Yourself
Sometimes things may not go your way. Tough luck! Try to be patient and wait for things to get into the momento. Aggravation will never speed up processes, it just complicates matters.

Rule No. 8: Smile, Hug, Kiss and Maintain Eye Contact ALOT
Just doing that will make you and your loved one feel good.

Comments

- she's quirky
- she likes to talk on the phone for hours about anything & everything
- she doesn't care what people say
- she does nice things for people
- she likes being alone but always appears out of nowhere
and most importantly
- she doesn't mind that Orlando Bloom was a failure, to quote:
"You think I care about that? You think I care that you're a failure? So you failed! You failed, you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed!" all in a nonchalent tone. and then Orlando Bloom tells her to shut up or something.

Well, I have to say I agree with josh about that resemblance but i think Claire is crazy. But then again, I think I'm somewhat crazy too. I rest my case...

I just wish josh could be like Orlando Bloom. I mean, the character he played - he tried so hard, he failed and he got back on his feet, he took responsibility of his family and no matter what, he had a smile on his face and always said 'I'm fine.'

Well... I think that J still hasn't grasped the meaning of taking responsibility or mastered the art of really being fine no matter wat. In fact, he hasn't even failed anything yet. I don't need you to be successful in commercial terms (what? getting the 5Cs? or is it 6 now?) I just want you to live life as you deem it should be lived and never stop trying. I feel, He's led such a charmed life. Well, there is that issue of his academic qualifications that he's so upset about or worried that I'd mind. I don't care even if you've never gone to primary school. As long as your heart is beating with passion and fervour for the things you stand for-and then u gotta have something to stand for in the first place which could be anything noble like 'i wanna give my family a good life and take care of them' or 'no matter what i do, i wanna incorporate my passion for ______(fill in the blank)' or 'i just wanna live and be happy'. As vague as those notions may be, they are simply a guideline and principle for how one leads their life.

Whats mine?

'Everything happens for a reason. It should only be a good reason.'

PS: Elizabethtown is a beautiful movie... gorgeous in its essence and thoughtful in its own right. just visit the webbie: www.elizabethtown.com

Comments

My realisation is that:
I'm running from one problem to another?
You know what my life is like?

I come home to a room full of cupboards, a mix of vintage and new. Half of the things stored inside aren’t mine and everytime I lie in bed and look around, I feel like I’m going to be caved in. Maybe that explains the never ending bad dreams I keep having. Its bad chi or something – clutter is always bad especially when you’re living in it.

My alternative refuge is J’s home. Where his room is also a storage area for laundry! Piles of clothes for a lovely family of 5 stacked on his bed every single time. I’m not referring to 5 in a pile, I’m talking about piles as high as my chest level. So before and after we make the bed, the clothes are an issue that we literally leave aside.

So, who am I kidding? Alternative refuge? More like 2nd place for disaster!

I’ve started cleaning out my closets, taking out the old stuff and killing all the silverfish that probably stay in my room more than I have. Stored MY OWN THINGS in the cupboards and I feel like I can breathe a lil easier already. Mmm… nothing like a more spacious room with the clutter behind closed doors.

I mean all this literally and metaphorically...

Comments

Fortunately, this week has been an almost hiatus from coriander. Almost - because I had to fill in for Alicia on Friday. Well, I guess its my way of kickstarting the new year. Taking stock of what has gone by, planning whats ahead, recovering from my bad cold, staying in to save money and basically setting the tone for the rest of the year.

Before 2006...
Wooh.. where do I begin. I would say that 2005 generally was a very eventful year. I went to KL, I had my IPP attachment, Josh and I broke up (again and again, yes, yes, i know). What else? Gretel became a full-fledged Nurse, my mom didn't finish her dip, my aunt moved in to Serangoon Gardens, Trisha went away to UK, Jan left on his dream trip,Mayee got a boyfriend, I spent my big two-O at O bar, Joshua spent his 21st Birthday at a Changi Chalet, Alicia's mother passed away suddenly, Adrian got his (possibly career forming)job and 2005 came and went.

Many friendships were formed, revitalised and fortified with time, outings and experiences... I continue hanging out with the ever cheerful group of girls in NYP. Alicia and I start behaving like very close friends and we did eventually become very close friends. One good thing that came out of my IPP was finding a funny friend like Gary - possibly more vainer than me or any average girl and will be my inspiration to diet (if i ever feel inspired to diet that is). OH yes, I downloaded MSN becoz of IPP! Take that!

New actualisations occured. I conducted my first Outside Catering alone and it went well and I reaped a $50 tip with my harvested effort with Nat's help of course. Other things like... I realised I really love working in Coriander and I'm ready for more things. The only thing stopping me is my need to concentrate on school and a certain manager there that is very negative and constantly puts people down - he is the ultimate portrayal of nonchalence. Much clubbing made me realise that Sambuca will cause my downfall (very much literally) and that real friends send you home and rub your neck even though they won't get anything out of it.

Joshua is an enigma. i never really know what he's thinking or what he's gonna do. I know i love him. I know all of you know that i love him and that he's a sweet boy. I see both sides of him, things that you will never know and I'm thrown away by so much and affected by many many things before. I could conc on the positive and say he's a little angel or focus on the bad points and call him an inconsiderate bastard. And then i take a step back and realise he's both and I cannot have one without the other. What do I do? I still don't know but I'm still trying to find out. Whatever it is, i know that the bond between him and I will always be there.

During 2006...
Trisha asked me what my new year's resolutions were while i was sipping a cub of hibiscus juice (true story!). I made it up there and then. I guess I just want to get out of this negative slum I've found myself in. When i asked Gary what my negative traits were since he claimed he could read ppl well - he said 'being negative, indecisive and draggy'. Gary is so right. I have been very negative lately and i find myself struggling to choose a path and just pushing everything else aside to avoid making a decision. I know that i've pulled myself outta the slum now as I'm more constructive in my way of life now. I've made little resolutions in my head that should preferably be fulfilled so this is what 2006 should have in store for me on top of many other things as everyone knows Joline's life is always dramatic.

~ Graduation from NYP with my final semester being my best semester
~ Either enter SMU or find a full-time job for a year and then try to enter SMU
~ sort out my relationship with Joshua (somehow i forsee this draggin on to 2007)
~ get back the positive and wiser joline with her usual smiley face

After 2006...
Who knows? But it sure as hell is gonna be fun!

Champagne for everyone! Cheers!!!

Comments

We either find ourselves and get agitated at not being able to do that..

Some lucky bastards DO manage to find themselves, good for them.

Some give up finding themselves and just get caught up in something else.

Some try to find themselves in others only to get hurt or deluded or lost or become the previous above mentioned.

Some continue to find themselves and type entries like this coz this is a way of finding oneself.

And true enough the answer comes in a Lauryn Hill Song:

"the answer... it was in me"

praise the lord. (not a capital L? oops!)

Comments

we've been through numerous... well, alright, 20 years coming and going... the digits still add on one after another and we're still surviving. Memories linger, fade, resurrect and fade away into oblivion again. I wish I could remember what happened. I seem to be too occupied with the current. Or was I too focused into trying to forget the hurtful parts of the past that i forgot everything that had anything to do with it? even if it was nice, supposedly memorable and had great effect in my life.

This is where old archives of web logs come in and after browsing through a memorable blog address (who could forget that name, especially after it caused shasha to get blocked off msn! yes, i know the horror!) i only stopped at an entry because (other than being already interested in poems) it just dragged me into relating it with him and I. Lo and Behold... it was about him and I... or rather, what he thought happened between him and I...

I'm glad I've come across it NOW as finding out earlier might have had some effect on me (I'm not sure what but I would attribute it to me being more sensitive in the past)

Well, I guess thats one more thing come and gone. If only you weren't you and it wasn't me... maybe things would have turned out the way you wanted it to be. Okay, that's just a nice poetic way of saying, it would have never worked out! Sigh. If i was as blunt as i am now. Would he still have written this??

Our lives are so very different,
Our paths so very distant.
Waking up in the morning,
Seeing the world with new eyes.

The bright lights of the past,
Glaring in the rear-view mirror
Of the present.
Daggers of thorns into the heart.
Memories of sugar laced with
Cyanide.

The tearing open of old wounds,
The rekindling of old fire.
The blissful kiss of fine rain,
Yet drowning in the tempest of desire.

I feel what he felt but not about the same thing. He's so talented at portraying his feelings that he forgets to just feel them as they are... instead, lost in finding the right words, analogies and visuals to pin down the emotions and feelings. Or I could be wrong. maybe doing that is exactly the way to feel.

*rolls eyes*

i just wanna end by saying that i would take that writing and rename it "Unintentional Footprint on His Life"

once again.

Sigh...

Comments

I've got to tell you
that i've lost myself
in the crowd...
in my dreams,
i'm standing on my heels
but everyone is hovering above
floating high up in the air...

Snowflakes gather round and
I realise its fake coz
it doesn't snow in sunny singapore

So do we thank god for the warmth
or curse that we're summer all year round?

Come on in to that crowd
That has me in it

The loudest warning tone
was the sigh of sadness
and all faded into a neon sign

Glaring.. blaring
I do not understand what you are trying to say...
Are you telling me you are envious?
Did you say you were jealous?
I'm sorry what?
I hurt you so?

Well, here i was
minding my own sad business
and didn't realise i was
stepping on your toe

No i did not take advantage of the situation
I was just praying so...

Let's drift home from here
I can't stand the crowd
that took away my soul.

Comments

So here are my Thank You's to everyone i know... i might miss out some ppl. i'm still human~

In alphabetical order...

Adrian: I've been working with you for 2 years and you never fail to make me laugh... You're such a spontaneous guy who's witty, cool and practical. But i'll still never forgive you for making me walk on the flyover! haha...hope we can still go try new food and ice cream even after ur gone from Coriander...

Ain: Thanks girl for the neverending funny books I read during breaks and heck even in class.. I hope the 'Hot Sauce' spirit never dies!

Aini: Where are you my darling? I miss you so much and i've not heard of you since u left sch... Thank you babe for the pretty smiles, laughter... the instillation of faith and love in me...

Alicia:TQ for all the tanning expeditions, the laughter, the nonjudgemental views that u always give,the love and the support u unflailingly provide and all the creative ingenius ideas u share!

Angela:I know we've been distanced, i don't know why... I guess i wanna say thank you for being there. I think it must be difficult to be in your position so thank you for putting up a strong front and for trying to help your friends in your special way.

Diana: My clubbing kaki in disguise... enuff said

Dila: Hey girl, thanks for your lovely voice and cheerful disposition!

Dominique: You let me believe that love can happen at any age.. and that you don't have to look your age! hehe

Gillian: Lovely Sweet Girl! Thank you for ur smiles and rational view on things...

Gretel: TQ for being my anchor to earth, for never ever feeling like u need to mask ur feelings with me, for Ashley, for being so kind to Ashley and taking up the huge responsibility that i would prob have not been able to upkeep...

Marcus: Thanks for the Wine... and the comforting gestures... I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be.

May: the best friend whom i see twice a year! haha... love you lots babe... thanks for being u...

Mel: My constant update on what's goin on in school! What would I do without you mel!

Jan: My Teh kaki!!! though ur gonna be in India soon and i'm here in singapore rooting for ur dreams... Go for it Jan~

Kaverne: Thanks for letting me know what its like to kiss someone with a lip piercing (i always wanted to know) and also for letting me see how you kiss sanjay!!!! But seriously, thanks for sharing, thanks for being the person you are and don't let anyone else say other wise.

Lyn1: Hey babe, i know its been a rough year for you but thanks for keeping that pleasant face and don't ever let anything or anyone get you down.

Lyn2: I know you care babe and thanks for that...

Rina: Another girl who makes me laugh like there's no tmr... blunders together galore~!

Sanjay: Hey my man... how was ur historic kiss with Kaverne? well.. thanks for being there no matter what and for all the laughs and anti-indian jokes from a fellow indian haha

Tammy: Hey babe... lovely dancing all the time... smile for me again another kiss for u too :x

Trisha: Hey babe... missed you so much and you're still the same..Thank you for accepting our humid lil island~

Comments

Listening to 'Confessions of a Broken Heart' kind of brings me back to past xmas seasons when i would tear to any of these mellow xmas songs:
'I'll be Home for Xmas'
'Have a Merry Little Xmas'
coz... no, he's never home for Xmas and i never have a Merry little Xmas coz all i wanted was a dad.. at least for xmas time.

But i gave up hope on that since i was 13... and my attention was diverted to another type of male species...

haha.. its sick to say, i've been finding male attention to make up for the lack of paternal presence. But it is very possible.

Anyhow, I find myself fast forwarding to the present and I float above myself and see a numb being.

I just read the blog of someone who claims she's depressed and she's taking prozac pills, sleeping pills... binging on temporary love and what not.

Been there.. haven't exactly done that.

I'm proud to say I've maintained the integrity of not doing extreme bodily harm (read: carving my hands, drugs, smoking,banging of head on wall) to myself even when utterly depressed. Although i must say, the twice a week intake of alcohol and the want to drink is a sign of weakness... and that very sporadic stealing of puffs from Kaverne's cig... all just temporary relief from the hurtful circumstances... i hate it all... and i'm glad to say i'm over it..with the persistance of inner courage and without the need of external help (tho friend's care and support have helped greatly)

HOWEVER, the hurt used to be planted deep inside....
~Keeping a smile on the outside but crying myself to sleep.
~Viewing love with such idealism but treating it with such cynism.
~Not allowing myself the rightful indulges i'm entailed to... there's always the feeling of guilt
~Storing thoughts in the capacity of my mind
~Bizarre random placement of trust which backfired and hurt me more emotionally

So therefore, healthy body with an unhealthy emotional state.

Joline's still stubborn though!

She still believes there's hope, there's still unconditional love, there's still a simple life, there's still faith, there's still innocence in the evil mind...

in this life plagued with torrid events and distasteful thoughts, the smile on my face is there for a genuine cause... the laughter for a sincere message of peace... the sparkle in my eye for a better day.

I'm lost but i'm hopeful
I'm numb but I'm real
I'm down but I'm staying alive

There's just too much to live that i can't give up... She's right.
We all live a charmed life...
If only she could understand and live what she's writing...

Everything everything everything brings me back to this point:
Josh makes me smile but doesn't know how to appreciate life and manage it...
Marcus wants to pursue love but doesn't even know what love is...
I'm just so tired of convincing them to see things from my pt of view...
I'm just so tired of weaning of their clinginess...
I just wanna live my life and still stay in touch...
To love doesn't mean to own... Can't they see that?
Besides, they don't even know what they're getting themselves into...
If only they could wait... and give me a chance of solitude and peace.
Thats all i ask for, that's all i pray for, that's all i need.

As for the loves of my life:
* My mother is still being her... though sometimes i think she forgets about the existence of her daughter, if not, the fact that I'm her daughter and not a care giver/counsellor/charitable organisation/her mother

*Gretel tries to make everything right except for herself (kindda sounds like me)

*Alicia is at the lowest of low... but the strongest of strong... tell me what i can do for you alicia... just say it and i'll do it...

Unconditional love is a fantasy... coz unconditional love is typically corrupted by unspoken needs, greed, non-reciprocation, blindess, expectations, different priorities...

I see all these things but just don't know what to do with them.

I wanna say that we should all just be flowers and lead simple lives but that would be too easy... too easy for everyone and that includes you. Then whats the point in living?

Comments

This may sound super cheesy.. but as a small girl observing the breakdown of my mom's marriage, I used to convince myself that

~I would always wait for the right guy to come along
~and it should happen between the ages of 23 - 26
~so that I could have a kid asap to avoid having a large generation gap between my kid and I.
~I believed that I would be a super committed lover
~who would select my partner based on character and personality alone ~and that once I started a relationship I would make sure it would work till the end.

Basically I did not wanna follow the footsteps of my mom. As I said 10 years ago,
'You've already got married twice. When will you ever be truly happy?'

10 years later,my belief system has been thoroughly challenged, mostly forgotten, changed, distorted and renewed.

! i still believe I should wait for the right guy, the one, the final, Whatever you wanna call it. I guess, just someone who would be compatible in terms of character, personality and mindset. He wouldn't have to be exactly the same as me. I would wanna love someone who views themself as an individual. Hopefully, he'd respect me for me and so would I. We would live life with fervour, hope and constantly challenge each other with neverending drive and love. The key words are bolded because, I thought he used to fulfill those qualities but it only happened half-heartedly and not all the time. sigh.

! Get married at the ages of 23-26? Who am i kidding? I'm so fucking afraid of the M word (yes, the one where u take your vows and take photos in the gardens of ROM. I mean, for ONE, thats to me a ceremonial bonus... just an officialisation of one's being together (hopefully) forever. I feel right now, that love may not come at the time you would like it to. Like my manager Dominique who at the age of 45, found the love of her life after so many misses. I'm so happy for her, truly I am and it just gives me hope that my time will come by... just maybe not now. So, all those that mull over love lost... i say, CHIN UP! You're not 85 yet...

!Not to mention the having a kid ASAP.. well, it occurred to my best friend a bit earlier than ASAP but she's dealing with the situation (i will not acknowledge it as a problem!). Little ashley is such an enigma... a bundle of joy who can replaces every word in 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' with 'wah wah wah wah wah'... Now, I definately mourn the loss of my own but whats done is done... I can only move on and when the right time comes, i'll prepare myself for the welcoming a mini inner being in the flesh. but before all of that happens, i have to make sure i'm mature enuff to take care of my own ass so i can take care of another's.

! Super committed? no, i can't say i was a super committed lover. Insecurities took over me in more ways than one. Just the need to prove to myself took a toll on me and ended disastrously. It was immaturity gone wrong. I'm bent but not broken and I guess I might have to find someone who is strong enough or at least trying to be. That would be good enough. But no matter what, don't pin me down on the mistakes I committed in the past. I've done my time and I know what can work or at least what can't and I'm not insane to do it again.

! the one thing that doesn't change is still the fact that I will choose someone base on character, personality and mindset alone. Looking at myself.. I think i would need someone who is independant, emotionally strong and strives to seek a balance in life. Of course all the positive attributes like being 'kind, generous, forgiving, knows when to have fun and when to be serious' still apply.

! Its also still true that i would make sure a relationship would work all the way IF the above mentioned factors were fulfilled. If not, no matter what I did, its just like squeezing a Sumo Wrestler into a size 8 Hot Pants - Time Consuming, Tonne loads of effort, PAINFUL (for the sumo wrestler and most probably the person helping him who might get sat on) and most importantly, unnecessary.

So there you go. Maybe I did this to remind myself of what I really want in this aspect. I don't feel sorry for the people that have come and sadly gone from my life. Dissapointed? Maybe at that time... But why waste (toomuch) time mulling about the past? I've gotten over it and moved on looking towards the future. I pray they have closure and get over the ghosts of the past too.

One things for sure, I've never intentionally manipulated anyone or say anything I did not mean.

Joline always means what she says and says what she means.

Truth hurts but Lies hurt more.

Comments

Maybe Tomorrow
Stereophonics

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

Comments

Just like how your appreciation for lounging
and chilling out is always intercepted
by that conceited throwing of your visa card.
I'd love having your companionship in the
partaking of wine but you simply
spoil the scent of grapes with your overly indulged Armani
and talk of superficial rubbish.

You know how that rock song that's oh so catchy?
But listen to the words and you'll find nonsensical
literature. Yes, truth from the heart over-wrapped
with meaningless swear words.
why must you cover yourself in poseur-ish
brands with the ironic effort to look non-chalent?
I've dedicated a short stanza to you coz that's
how you've been to me. A short paragraph
of nothingness. Just little gestures that
you pray I'll percieve as affectuion.
But then
only,
sometimes.
And only when I'm pissed off.

So here I am,
stuck between that graceful violin,
a stringed fantasy
and raw, rough drum,
hitting to a different beat.

Comments

Sometimes we lie to ourselves
Sometimes we lie to each other
Sometimes we seek the truth
Sometimes we hurt each other

Sometimes I see you cover
your heart with your hand
But the gaps between your fingers
Reveal the pulsating belief

Are we all taking each other
for a ride?
Are we all unintentionally
being snide?

Are we really on the same
pitched wavelength?
Or is the sound coming back to us
on a different sounding note?

Though two melodies may be different
But thats where harmony comes in

Oh the scent of comfort
lingers in my mind.
Push it all away,
Leave it all behind...

Comments

"My mum just passed away."

As if there was nothing more to it... the 5 words brought about a whole tirade of emotions: Shock, Sadness, Fear, Concern, Puzzlement, Guilt and most of all Confusion.

Questions, Questions, Questions...

So many questions in my mind... and eventually so many questions posed to Alicia. Losing a mother at age 20 was something i believe no one would have expected. Yes, there are people who have lost a parent at even younger ages and even been orphaned since birth. But we are talking about a healthy woman who took care of the household and her three kids.

How did this happen?
How could this happen?
What's Alicia going to do?
What is her family going to do?
Will everything change?
Will everything be different?

So many queries some answered, some trying to be answered.

I've attended the wake 3 times this week in an attempt to show Alicia I care and I really care. I just don't know how to... except turn up, accompany her, join the prayer sessions, clean up after myself at the table and basically help her run tiny errands like collecting her pay, bringing down her pants, her shoes and bringing over 'collections' from coriander leaf...

This had definately impacted many people around her life... Even friends that have barely known Alicia. I guess thats what death does to people...

Firstly, there will be regrets and guilt like
"why didn't i see her more often?"
"why didn't i learn her home made recipes?"
"why didn't i do what she asked me to?"
why didn't i? why didn't i? why didn't I?

It happened to me too...
Thoughts of visiting my mother and grandfather came to mind... My whole life came in view and I was so worried at the outcome.

I was pretty affected at first, I told Josh "although I know i should think of how to help Alicia move on in life, I find myself wishing I could just bring her mother back to life."

But now, i'm over that i guess... I find myself a bit numb.. i don't know if i will defrost and be overwhelmed by emotions at the end but for now, I'm just trying to help her out in whatever way i can.

Lets not take things for granted and lets not let others take things for granted.

"forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those
who sin against us..."

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Oh no,
What's this?
Spiderwebs and I'm caught in the middle.
So I turned to run,
and thought of all the stupid things I've done.
Oh I never meant to cause you trouble
I never meant to do you wrong
I, well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm

Yesterday i finished reading a Gay Fiction called "Hot Sauce" written by a Gay couple. Haha.. its like the contemporary romance novels where there two main characters are perfect but have their own quirks and lots of sex, someone/thing comes in the way and magnifies their flaws and insecurities but love conquers all and by some tremendous coincidence, everything falls into place and they live (in this case) gaily after all!

So what would my contemporary love story be?strong>

I don't know why i do all these things for him?
I guess we just don't see eye to eye.
Who is my eye-level guy?
argh!

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The long walk got us talking... well, it got me talking.

I was just mentioning to Josh how we've never gone to the park to chill (and pretend to be romantic) in our 2 yrs together... and he replied in thoughtfulness... "For what?"

Yes, this is the guy I've been with for 2 years to hear him say 2 words in reply to a thought i've been mulling over for a few days. But seriously... "for what?" do we want to go and battle mozzies in a park and talk when we can...

- do it at home
- at a cafe
- not do it at all coz... "for what?"

Well, he did add as an after thought that we're just not like other couples. Hmm... indeed.

In the spirit of honesty, i told him that I wonder if 2 very different people can really stand to be together forever (or for more than 2 years.. ahem) I mean.. JOSHUA and JOLINE have only JO in common!

Okay, personal characteristic wise:

Joline:
~Plans for the future
~Thinks A LOT
~Always putting herself in others shoes, slippers, heels, boots what have you
~Knows when to be serious and when to have fun
~Determined and positive
~Self indulges sometimes
~Thinks A LOT

Joshua:
~Sleeps when he gets the chance
~Says that he'll think about it tomorrow
~ME FIRST philsophy
~Just wants to lay back and relax
~Puts himself down and thinks he's a fuck up
~Self Indulges ALL THE TIME
~replies "for what?" to his gf

...

Well, I'm not saying that our traits are good or bad... I'm just saying that we're different. And my point for erm pointing out these differences to him is to work something out. If 2 very different people have to be together (i.e. US) there has to be a compromise...

FOr example:
I'm never gonna expect him to do anything romantic (coz... "for what?")
I have to give him his space to grow
I have to draw boundaries so he doesn't take things for granted

He has to start thinking about people around him and chuck that ME FIRST way of life
He has to start planning for the future and take action and not just be all talk
He has to stop taking things for granted.

Simple ain't it?

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Now, the place itself by my standards sells expensive drinks (for rich angmohs wat..) and is by far TOOBLOODYPACKEDANDNARROWYOUFEELLIKE
HOWYOUAREFEELINGNOWREADINGTHISLINEW
ITHOUTANYSPACESINBETWEEN! --> whew! exactly like that

So yesterday, lo and behold, i discovered the owner of the club had opened a new place just halfway down the stretch of revamped, redeveloped shophouses... and the place LOOKED good. If Sex and the City was real, Carrie Bradshaw and her posse would SO approve. It looked like the perfect place to down a Martini and sip Champagne while chilling and watch the (one's who can't come in and can only walk by in envy) people go by...

And at that moment. I wished I was Carrie Bradshaw. I wished I had that type of lifestyle... Suddenly, my life philosophy of being contented with what you have was chucked into the Singapore river and i wanted to live a life of cocktails and champagne--not serving cocktails and champagne.

I thought to myself, how would it be to just lounge away and order drinks without mentally calculating the bill and watching plays when I want to without worrying bout the 3 digit ticket fee and listening to live jazz while feeling like i can fit in the crowd? How would it be? lifestyle of the rich and not necessarily famous... sigh

fuck man, Joline you're behaving like a schoolgirl fantasizing about bedding a rockstar... sigh

But these are things I'd really wanna do if i had the capability...

my options are to...
a) Bag a rich guy (maybe go to the club downstairs and pick one up after work haha)
b) strick 4d (which would involve a lot of luck)
c) practice my drama skills and just pretend to live the lifestyle'
d) be contented with what i have.

and the answer is...

e) all of the above!
coz i could bag a rich guy.. i guy so rich of love and passion that nothing else would matter.. not even a cosmopolitan with carrie bradshaw...
strike 4 d by chance... haha when i get my visions of 4 digits again... live the lifestyle by my OWN standards and at the same time... be contented with that i have...

Joline Joline... tsk tsk...

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Need to remember all the things I've forgotten
and
Need to remember all the things I've lost.

Work occupies my mind,
Indifference reigns.

After work activities continue to do the same.

Orange Peel Smoke drifting through my hair
leaving the same feeling that i get when you're not there.

Bent in the washroom, I find a silver thing
Lost Earring found i scream
Lost Silver things.

Lost...
All is not lost
I think as i keep it in my pocket

In my pocket full of heavy weighted things.

Swaying to the bullet shot
stained top I'm in

Swaying to the smokey air with
people forgiving
everyone that has crossed their paths
they're ready to recieve
Love
Lost earring found
will someone come and claim it?

Taxi cab comes and picks up
all the pieces of my heart
and me

and my pocket is removed of the
lost silver earring

bent but not broken is the silver shiny thing
just like me
bent but still in one dented form and being.

love is the greatest things you'll ever learn, you'll see
just like nat king cole,
it'll die and continue its legacy

pain,
indescribable
reaching home i reach out for the
lost earring found
i put it on and
place pain out.

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Sanjay (who had been missing from our lives due to National service) was working in Coriander on Sat and he suggested the usual bunch of us go out since we haven't done so in a long time (as a complete bunch)We finally decided to hang out at a Sheesha bar in Boat Quay since some of them were broke and did not want to go clubbing.

Besides, Sheesha bar is better because:
- You can hear your friends in a Sheesha Bar
- There is no cover charge
- You decide how much you want to spend
- There is Sheesha (duh)
- You get a TABLE with SEATS
- You can still dance and they won't play lousy techno (not till everyone's high)
- It is fun! like Saturday night!

Alicia and I headed down first coz our shift ended early... thre was a lot of speculation on whether things will be awkward due to the misunderstanding between some ppl in the usual bunch but we decided to just enjoy ourselves... All in all there was a total of 5+1+3+...
*gasp* FOURTEEN of us at the corner table at Sahara...

PLUSPLUSPLUS the waiter there happened to be my good friends Ex boyfriend and he kept supplying me with tequila shots and cocktails and coke for my non drinking friends...

(maybe my psycho-ing powers are still working and can launch a thousand ships haha i wish. )

PLUSPLUSPLUSPLUS the dj's gf who was called Suppiah or something came and dance with us and tied a belly dancer shawl around me... hmm... and we used it later for silly things while we were dancing.. especially sanjay doing his typical arabian girl eye-lash flickering shit... haha.

The music was at a good pace... chill out slow rnb and alternative followed by upbeat reggae sounds, peaked at sexy RnB songs followed by crazy techno songs (thankfully only 2 and when we were all fucking high)and then slowed down by chill out songs again... I think Sahara really knows how to feed our mood.

Life canreally spring surprises on you.

Everyone had a great time! If only i had more pictures (and bandwidth) then I'd show you the crazy shit we did...

Its indescribable but everything was perfectly cool... even the most quiet guy from the restaurant got on the sofa and danced! Joshua, my bf got so pissed drunk coz he had a long day and fatigue + heineken + 1 tequila shot = joshua talking rubbish and getting wasted. 2 girls were found stuck in the toilet that my friend the waiter had to pry the door open with a wooden stick (now where did that come from)... GOSH it was a happening night for Sahara and the fourteen of us...

so cool
so cool

i'm just gonna revel in the fun we had
(oh and by the way, she said she was sorry for the misunderstanding)

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yes... why can't we just get along?

This is addressed to a certain someone whom things have grown awkward with:

Dear ____&_______,

The situation is such that the atmosphere is tense and puzzling whenever we are together or whenever i think of you. I guess its partially my fault that i allowed things to get blown out of proportion.

Where did it begin? I really don't remember, when i sift through the bad memories that seem to vastly outnumber the good ones, I get lost in time and space and my own blurred judgement and weak ability to remember things with great detail.

However, one thing i remember clearly, that we were once good friends, we had a lot to laugh about, we looked out for each other and simply enjoyed outselves.

I always thought that we were friends because I was who I am - and not just Joshua's girlfriend. I never thought of you as so-and-so's gf or my ex-colleague... you were always you and how we met was not an important detail. I valued your friendship and your personality, good and bad.

When things turned sour between josh and I, I hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship but it did. I could see that you sort of took sides, as much as you tried not to. I know you were not used to us not being together and when someone new came along, all the more you disapproved. Hey, as my friend, shouldn't you be happy for me and with me? That's all I ask for. It doesn't mean that Josh and I have to be together forever FOR YOU. Josh and I have our own issues to deal with, if we need your help, we'll ask for it and so far, we've been dealing with issues by ourselves and we like it this way. As close as we are there are things you will never understand and implications of telling everyone about what goes on behind closed doors will be worse than keeping it private. And besides, its meant to be private... we don't pry into your personal life and issues (unless you want us to).

Now that Joshua and I are back together, I hoped that you would still treat us the same as before, ultimately, the only thing that has changed is - josh and I have grown, used the time to reflect, learnt more about ourselves and each other and most important of all, we have decided to try our very best - both of us.

I won't say that I'm a perfect girlfriend, i never was and neither is Joshua (a perfect bf). Are you a perfect friend?

We just try to be the best we can be...

I've always been concerned for you but i can't feed you hand and foot (likewise you) and i've always respected that invisible line of privacy and i just hope you'll respect it too... I try not to judge your actions but sadly, i know that you've been making assumptions about me.

All i want is for things to be back to normal. All i hope for is for you to be happy. If, making hurtful comments, judgements and assumptions make you happy (in such a sad sad way) then i guess our ways of friendship are not similar at all.

the only comfort i take in is that, time might heal all awkwardness, erase all sadness and reproduce the simple friendship we once had.

Yours Sincerely
joline

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- to jog every sunday evening like today when i did i felt a sense of challenge, accomplishment and peace

- to NOT be affected by other people's judgement of me unless they are constructive feedback

- to stop eating meat again! for real forever!

- to never be ignorant and never be scared

- to overcome laziness and visit my mom, talk to my gdpa and actually like talking to my aunt

- to be patient and understand that not everybody is like me or thinks the same way

- to not fear the future

- to love wholeheartedly

- to stay awake during lectures and tutorials

- to spend reasonably

- to give myself time

- to do charity

- to try new experiences

- to love ashley forever

- to be truthful and faithful to my loved ones

- to not be petty

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before silence turned into awkwardness, i asked her how her day was. She said same old and smiled... something in they smile conveyed sadness which was confirmed by a tear rolling down her smooth cheek.

"Looking at the little children make me sad... Makes me think of my little boy at home in JB. Hari Raya coming but I cannot see him until next february..."

"3 months only what kak... It will come and go..."
I said in a feeble attempt to comfort her. In my heart, I was actually thinking... you know i felt sad too seeing kids coz i will never ever get to see my own. I changed the subject and talked about JB instead.

The topic moved on to driving and the cleaner lady told me with amused expression about her car "go-staning" while going uphill. I relayed about my fear of learning how to drive and there she stood.

the brave cleaning lady who gave birth, learnt how to drive and ventured out of her country to give her family a better life.

And I, afraid to do all the above...I felt ashamed.

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It’s basically a local band competition held by power 98 and the venue of the event was in the recently revamped Zouk! PLUS I had free invites!  (things you do in the office coz you’re bored… take part in radio competitions)

Mostly, my motivation for going was also to check out last year’s winner: RAFE (which stands for Rock And Fuck Everything [which sounds pretty primal if you think about it]) and also ELECTRICO my true blue local band!

The funny thing was that Electrico walked pass me and I didn’t even realise it was them?!?! I just saw Amanda and thought “Cute Girl…mmm” I didn’t know that it was “Cute Girl who plays keyboard in Electrico!!?!” Then I saw 2 guys putting up a poster on a lamp post outside Zouk and thought “hmmm… RAFE fans/friends?” I didn’t know that it should have been “hmmm.. RAFE Lead Singer putting up poster by himself”

My my…

RAFE was the first to perform and sadly, there were a few technical probs that occurred but they didn’t really handle it well… it could be the lack of performing experience but there was also this vibe of conceitedness that the lead singer portrayed. However, I still love their singles Everything and Perfect Day. I can say that they were the band that rocked the least… even all of this year’s finalists were better than them. I think they have to get over their contempt and the fact that they are 2004 Powerjam’s winners and realise that they have to play their fair share for the community who just want the best.

ALL THE FINALISTS WERE GOOD! Each with different flavours and styles. All enthusiastic, all tried their best and all get FULL MARKS for effort!

Lemme try to recall… the first one was old man band Syne Of Time consisting of middle aged men with pot bellies and old school bandanas. They were GOOD! The covered song was perfect and the lead and the guitarist were truly talented. They must have had performing experience because there were little screw ups and they had a lot of showmanship. They threw (paper) money in the air man!

Next was erm… I think it was called Pot of Rose? I prob got the name wrong but anyhoo the girl in the band had a great voice! Totally energetic and wonderful.

THE GREAT SPY EXPERIMENT was up next and the lead singer was… yummy… omg.. I rarely gush but I was gushing like nobody’s biz with him on stage… argh! Charming in his Franz Ferdinand like blazer over t shirt.. lots of ladies were probably swooning over him… yumm… Oh yes, they weren’t that great with their cover of The Killers “All These Things That I’ve Done” but rawked with their original song.
Monofone was an emo group with funky outfits – Hell the lead was dressed up in a marching band uniform! Ker-ay-zee… kerayzee cool! Ah… the whole band seem jap rock inspired and churned out jap rock balladish songs… the lead was FUCKING talented! Totally rocked my socks off! I was just totally awed at how he just put down his guitar and marched to the keyboard and played a beautiful classical, complicated sounding, need 20 fingers to play type of song… omg…

The Final band who were also the winner of Powerjam 2005 was B.A.R.B. and they were one of a kind. They looked like the Gorillaz’s relations in the flesh! The bassist with blue hair was decked out in a turquoise kimono top that had wayang like sleeves, long strings of beads and one with a huge shell pendant and grey cammo pants. Ker-ay-zee.. one of the lead singers wore an orange prison uniform and only had a shock of braided hair in the middle of his head (I swear)… the other one was well, in a suit but wore red stockings on his hand and cut up black stockings over it.. so cool… I almost wept in awe… and that was even before they played… they were truly performing…! Jumping all over the stage.. rapping… screaming.. showing off… gawd. The bar has been raised by far by B.A.R.B!

After all that… Rivermaya performed followed by Electrico… Rivermaya played a beautiful song and the guitarist was cute as in funny cute… every picture he took with fans had different poses, not just the plain look in the camera and smile type. Electrico rocked as usual… played running away, hip city and not made in the usa… which reminds me that I have to get their latest album… maybe this weekend… 

I havent’ indulged in me-time for a while.. miss lounging in my room listening to coldplay, keane, the killers, lauryn hill or whatever I feel like listening to, sorting out my wardrobe to revamp clothes then stopping halfway and then reading or chatting on the phone… ahh.. simple but heavenly…

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"Because of You" refers to her raw emotions towards her mother and the pain Kelly went through during her parents separation... Which was what I and a lot of other kids I'm sure experienced as well.

The tear jerker was this:
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

--I even feel a tug in my heart while i type this. It seems selfish but I really felt I was too young to be enduring the emotional drama my mother inflicted on me and herself. It felt noble at that time-- me taking care of my mother (which i still try to do) but in the process, the little soul of mine gave way to the overbearing weight of pain and trauma no lil kid should be exposed to...

As such, I doubt monogamy

As such, I fear inflicting the same pain on kids
that I might not have.. as such

I'm waiting for the day when I can say, I do not fear and I can love wholeheartedly without being afraid of being hurt.

Anyway, here's the song Because Of You
another interpretation of what i feel in my heart:

Because of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

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I met Gillian at Jurong East coz its sortta in the middle of Wdlands and NUS? Anyway, just went there to have dinner, catch up and ended up watching CORPSE BRIDE as well! Finally! after gawdknowshowlong! Everything was pretty spontaneous yesterday.. most of the evening went like...

me:where do you wanna head for dinner?

G: I'm not sure leh... don't knw this place well...

me:everywhere is fast food!!!! lets just head to... (turns around and spots Kobayashi, points in that direction)
THERE!
(spots movie screening times and purposely walks by to see what shows are on... Corpse Bride.. 930pm)
Gillian! i wanted to watch this show so badly! \

G: so you wanna watch it? i'm fine.

me: OK!

...after buying tix we go sit at kobayashi...

me: so much to choose from! i can't decide!

...after 20 secs...

me: i want everything! ARGH!!!!!!!
(closes eyes and points at menu. Orders what her finger landed on.. good thing it was salmon)
...after eating...
(walks past macdonalds and Gillian spots new mac's icecream)

G: Joline whats dat!?!

me: new ice cream la... wanna have it?

G: yeah! Wat flavour do you want?

ME: i dunno (closes eyes and points at pic of icecream.. orders what her finger lands on-raspberry hehe)

G&me: *slurp* *slurp* yummmm

If only life was so easy huh.. can't decide what to do with your life, close your eyes and point at a pathway and take it or like at a cross road, just close ur eyes, turn round and round, open it and just walk straight...

But no.. we can't... we have to explore all options, draw out all consequences, work out opportunity cost and then derive the risk factors. At least I do...

So back to CORPSE BRIDE!

Hilarious show! A must watch but please be warned that you will feel like stabbing ur head due to the overwhelming amount of puns in the movie... oh mi gosh! It was like an overdose of my pun-spouting friend - Adrian... Gillian felt the same way. I just wanted to smack my head silly with the corny puns... argh! ah ha ha ha.. but its kindda like slurpee you know, u get the brainfreeze which hurts yet feels shiok at the same time... ha ha

While watching the movie, was taken in by some of the themes like love, letting go, dying ... (okay, take away dying.)

i wonder why.. hmmm...

i don't mind ending up like corpse bride man.. dissapating like my fire water story...

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2. when you are bawling you can still melodramatically think to yourself:
"My bangle smashed in the bathroom and my heart was broken in the bedroom" which evolved to..
"My bangle smashed into 3 pieces, incomparable to the shreds of my shattered heart"

3. you'd never be so thankful for makeup and friends after you've cried your eyes out.

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Secretly, the water spirit envied the fire spirit for her fervour, passion and ability to give light and warmth at all times.

Secretly, the fire spirit wished she too could be like the water spirit- free and easy, always adaptable to his evironment and sustain life.

Eyeing each other with suspicious interest, they kept a nonchalent front but harboured both deep liking and fear.

Both of them had insecurities which they hoped the other could help resolve.

The water spirit could never feel settled in one place, always flowing from one point to another, led by the environment and not making much decisions by himself.
But that was the way water was.

The fire spirit burned strong and bright but sometimes hurt people around her with her ceaseless flames which made her feel afraid of opening up for it would cause unintentional harm.
But that was the way fire was.

One day, the two element spirits confronted each other with their real feelings and revealed their conflicting emotions for each other. Once they realised that they both had the same desperate longing for each other, they fell into a tight embrace.

It was the biggest catastrophe in parallel history with disastrous floods raging and tremendous sparks of light as they cojoined.

They had never felt so strong and so weak at the same time. They never felt a sense of belonging so right yet so wrong. They kissed for what seemed like eternity, a wonderful eternity.

And then they fizzled out.

Water putting out fire.

Fire evaporating water.

As their souls dissapated into nowhere.

Joshua and I are like Water and Fire.

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