Can't put a finger on it...?

Hey all~

its been a really busy period for me since last quarter of last year... Hence not much time to update my blog or even chat on MSN (ah... the good ole days of having NO MSN)

Thursdays usually mean DOuble O, no matter what~ But now, I've been really taking time off clubbing... No time, Saving Money, Can't afford to go school late and all that... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? It feels good! I really appreciate other things more like, spending more time at home.. okay, yar, 90% of the time typing furiously in front of the comp... I also realised I have more energy to focus on other things that I've been neglecting... My Best Friend, my Mi, my Nicky... My classmates are (hopefully) loving the more available Me.. coz i've been taking time off work as well. Maybe I've been striking the right balance... sometimes balance isn't about Half & Half... Its like the food pyramid where you're supposed to have proportionate amounts of food groups.

So the tip of my life pyramid would be -
ME TIME, clubbing, shopping, chilling & basically activities involving the expenditure of cash

followed by -
Studying like hell & doing projs for the final leg of the polytechnic race

followed by -
spending time with family, Also, personal Me Time to read in my rocking chair, pamper myself with my secret indulgences

followed by the largest group of all -
spending time with my family! visiting my mom and trying to make conversation with my gdpa...

Its like putting on the right glasses and clarity ensues!
I've learnt which are more impt than others and also to not waste time on fruitless things & people that mean nothing to your very valuable future..
Yes, if something bad happens, take some time to go thru the grief process then pick yourself up and move on...

I'm a very happy person indeed...

Okay, I have 5 mins more to actually sleep BEFORE 12 midnite for the first time in god knows how long...

happy chinese new year everyone...

smile like you mean it!

Rule No. 1: You come first.
You have to love yourself and respect yourself before you know how to love and respect others. Only when you value your traits and understand your vulnerabilities will you appreciate how others view you as how you view yourself.

Rule No.2: Listen dammit...
Its like comprehension and literature.. every word has a meaning, every gesture, facial expression and tone carries a message. Listen with your heart but dont' assume. When in doubt, ask... At least it shows that you are listening

Rule No. 3: Look to Future but Never Forget the Past
As much as people say "Don't look back!", how could you? You are what you are today because of what happened in the past. At the same time, don't dwell too much on what has happened and focus more on the future, how to make things better, how to not let (bad) history repeat itself and realise that everything is a continuous entity...

Rule No. 4: Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say
Don't lie, don't cover, don't smother your words with vain attempts of subtlety and expect people to understand you. Just speak your mind.

Rule No. 5: Pick Up After Yourself
Never expect others to clear up your own mess and stop moping like a cry baby at the mess you made. You pick it up yourself and stop wallowing in self pity

Rule No. 6: Don't Take Things For Granted
The ones you love now may be gone someday... appreciate and love them as if its your last chance to. Never take what they've done for you as something mandatory. Every little gesture, no matter how repeatedly done, is their little token of love for you. To not acknowledge and appreciate it is just like throwing it back in their face.

Rule No. 7: Be Patient With Yourself
Sometimes things may not go your way. Tough luck! Try to be patient and wait for things to get into the momento. Aggravation will never speed up processes, it just complicates matters.

Rule No. 8: Smile, Hug, Kiss and Maintain Eye Contact ALOT
Just doing that will make you and your loved one feel good.

Well, not exactly Kirsten Dunst but more like the character she portrayed in Elizabeth Town - Claire. When I probed further to find out exactly why he felt I was like Claire, he stated these reasons:

- she's quirky
- she likes to talk on the phone for hours about anything & everything
- she doesn't care what people say
- she does nice things for people
- she likes being alone but always appears out of nowhere
and most importantly
- she doesn't mind that Orlando Bloom was a failure, to quote:
"You think I care about that? You think I care that you're a failure? So you failed! You failed, you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed,you failed!" all in a nonchalent tone. and then Orlando Bloom tells her to shut up or something.

Well, I have to say I agree with josh about that resemblance but i think Claire is crazy. But then again, I think I'm somewhat crazy too. I rest my case...

I just wish josh could be like Orlando Bloom. I mean, the character he played - he tried so hard, he failed and he got back on his feet, he took responsibility of his family and no matter what, he had a smile on his face and always said 'I'm fine.'

Well... I think that J still hasn't grasped the meaning of taking responsibility or mastered the art of really being fine no matter wat. In fact, he hasn't even failed anything yet. I don't need you to be successful in commercial terms (what? getting the 5Cs? or is it 6 now?) I just want you to live life as you deem it should be lived and never stop trying. I feel, He's led such a charmed life. Well, there is that issue of his academic qualifications that he's so upset about or worried that I'd mind. I don't care even if you've never gone to primary school. As long as your heart is beating with passion and fervour for the things you stand for-and then u gotta have something to stand for in the first place which could be anything noble like 'i wanna give my family a good life and take care of them' or 'no matter what i do, i wanna incorporate my passion for ______(fill in the blank)' or 'i just wanna live and be happy'. As vague as those notions may be, they are simply a guideline and principle for how one leads their life.

Whats mine?

'Everything happens for a reason. It should only be a good reason.'

PS: Elizabethtown is a beautiful movie... gorgeous in its essence and thoughtful in its own right. just visit the webbie: www.elizabethtown.com

Yes, R&R – Rain and Reflection. A much needed activity to be conducted on a 20 minute journey from one home to another.

My realisation is that:
I'm running from one problem to another?
You know what my life is like?

I come home to a room full of cupboards, a mix of vintage and new. Half of the things stored inside aren’t mine and everytime I lie in bed and look around, I feel like I’m going to be caved in. Maybe that explains the never ending bad dreams I keep having. Its bad chi or something – clutter is always bad especially when you’re living in it.

My alternative refuge is J’s home. Where his room is also a storage area for laundry! Piles of clothes for a lovely family of 5 stacked on his bed every single time. I’m not referring to 5 in a pile, I’m talking about piles as high as my chest level. So before and after we make the bed, the clothes are an issue that we literally leave aside.

So, who am I kidding? Alternative refuge? More like 2nd place for disaster!

I’ve started cleaning out my closets, taking out the old stuff and killing all the silverfish that probably stay in my room more than I have. Stored MY OWN THINGS in the cupboards and I feel like I can breathe a lil easier already. Mmm… nothing like a more spacious room with the clutter behind closed doors.

I mean all this literally and metaphorically...

I feel like I'm trapped at home with the neverending tirade of rain. Its like Singapore's answer to winter is non-stop rain. I'm still not used to the constant pitter patter and not to mention sneezing non-stop the past few days.

Fortunately, this week has been an almost hiatus from coriander. Almost - because I had to fill in for Alicia on Friday. Well, I guess its my way of kickstarting the new year. Taking stock of what has gone by, planning whats ahead, recovering from my bad cold, staying in to save money and basically setting the tone for the rest of the year.

Before 2006...
Wooh.. where do I begin. I would say that 2005 generally was a very eventful year. I went to KL, I had my IPP attachment, Josh and I broke up (again and again, yes, yes, i know). What else? Gretel became a full-fledged Nurse, my mom didn't finish her dip, my aunt moved in to Serangoon Gardens, Trisha went away to UK, Jan left on his dream trip,Mayee got a boyfriend, I spent my big two-O at O bar, Joshua spent his 21st Birthday at a Changi Chalet, Alicia's mother passed away suddenly, Adrian got his (possibly career forming)job and 2005 came and went.

Many friendships were formed, revitalised and fortified with time, outings and experiences... I continue hanging out with the ever cheerful group of girls in NYP. Alicia and I start behaving like very close friends and we did eventually become very close friends. One good thing that came out of my IPP was finding a funny friend like Gary - possibly more vainer than me or any average girl and will be my inspiration to diet (if i ever feel inspired to diet that is). OH yes, I downloaded MSN becoz of IPP! Take that!

New actualisations occured. I conducted my first Outside Catering alone and it went well and I reaped a $50 tip with my harvested effort with Nat's help of course. Other things like... I realised I really love working in Coriander and I'm ready for more things. The only thing stopping me is my need to concentrate on school and a certain manager there that is very negative and constantly puts people down - he is the ultimate portrayal of nonchalence. Much clubbing made me realise that Sambuca will cause my downfall (very much literally) and that real friends send you home and rub your neck even though they won't get anything out of it.

Joshua is an enigma. i never really know what he's thinking or what he's gonna do. I know i love him. I know all of you know that i love him and that he's a sweet boy. I see both sides of him, things that you will never know and I'm thrown away by so much and affected by many many things before. I could conc on the positive and say he's a little angel or focus on the bad points and call him an inconsiderate bastard. And then i take a step back and realise he's both and I cannot have one without the other. What do I do? I still don't know but I'm still trying to find out. Whatever it is, i know that the bond between him and I will always be there.

During 2006...
Trisha asked me what my new year's resolutions were while i was sipping a cub of hibiscus juice (true story!). I made it up there and then. I guess I just want to get out of this negative slum I've found myself in. When i asked Gary what my negative traits were since he claimed he could read ppl well - he said 'being negative, indecisive and draggy'. Gary is so right. I have been very negative lately and i find myself struggling to choose a path and just pushing everything else aside to avoid making a decision. I know that i've pulled myself outta the slum now as I'm more constructive in my way of life now. I've made little resolutions in my head that should preferably be fulfilled so this is what 2006 should have in store for me on top of many other things as everyone knows Joline's life is always dramatic.

~ Graduation from NYP with my final semester being my best semester
~ Either enter SMU or find a full-time job for a year and then try to enter SMU
~ sort out my relationship with Joshua (somehow i forsee this draggin on to 2007)
~ get back the positive and wiser joline with her usual smiley face

After 2006...
Who knows? But it sure as hell is gonna be fun!

Champagne for everyone! Cheers!!!

I have come to a conclusion that we all want to find ourselves.

We either find ourselves and get agitated at not being able to do that..

Some lucky bastards DO manage to find themselves, good for them.

Some give up finding themselves and just get caught up in something else.

Some try to find themselves in others only to get hurt or deluded or lost or become the previous above mentioned.

Some continue to find themselves and type entries like this coz this is a way of finding oneself.

And true enough the answer comes in a Lauryn Hill Song:

"the answer... it was in me"

praise the lord. (not a capital L? oops!)

yes, yes, its 2006, goodbye 2005...

we've been through numerous... well, alright, 20 years coming and going... the digits still add on one after another and we're still surviving. Memories linger, fade, resurrect and fade away into oblivion again. I wish I could remember what happened. I seem to be too occupied with the current. Or was I too focused into trying to forget the hurtful parts of the past that i forgot everything that had anything to do with it? even if it was nice, supposedly memorable and had great effect in my life.

This is where old archives of web logs come in and after browsing through a memorable blog address (who could forget that name, especially after it caused shasha to get blocked off msn! yes, i know the horror!) i only stopped at an entry because (other than being already interested in poems) it just dragged me into relating it with him and I. Lo and Behold... it was about him and I... or rather, what he thought happened between him and I...

I'm glad I've come across it NOW as finding out earlier might have had some effect on me (I'm not sure what but I would attribute it to me being more sensitive in the past)

Well, I guess thats one more thing come and gone. If only you weren't you and it wasn't me... maybe things would have turned out the way you wanted it to be. Okay, that's just a nice poetic way of saying, it would have never worked out! Sigh. If i was as blunt as i am now. Would he still have written this??

Our lives are so very different,
Our paths so very distant.
Waking up in the morning,
Seeing the world with new eyes.

The bright lights of the past,
Glaring in the rear-view mirror
Of the present.
Daggers of thorns into the heart.
Memories of sugar laced with
Cyanide.

The tearing open of old wounds,
The rekindling of old fire.
The blissful kiss of fine rain,
Yet drowning in the tempest of desire.

I feel what he felt but not about the same thing. He's so talented at portraying his feelings that he forgets to just feel them as they are... instead, lost in finding the right words, analogies and visuals to pin down the emotions and feelings. Or I could be wrong. maybe doing that is exactly the way to feel.

*rolls eyes*

i just wanna end by saying that i would take that writing and rename it "Unintentional Footprint on His Life"

once again.

Sigh...