Can't put a finger on it...?

A tragic flaw u say?
which flaw isn't tragic then?
I feel...
Its not just flaws that are tragic...
Excuses of a simple life
Excuses of a made up life.

I've got to tell you
that i've lost myself
in the crowd...
in my dreams,
i'm standing on my heels
but everyone is hovering above
floating high up in the air...

Snowflakes gather round and
I realise its fake coz
it doesn't snow in sunny singapore

So do we thank god for the warmth
or curse that we're summer all year round?

Come on in to that crowd
That has me in it

The loudest warning tone
was the sigh of sadness
and all faded into a neon sign

Glaring.. blaring
I do not understand what you are trying to say...
Are you telling me you are envious?
Did you say you were jealous?
I'm sorry what?
I hurt you so?

Well, here i was
minding my own sad business
and didn't realise i was
stepping on your toe

No i did not take advantage of the situation
I was just praying so...

Let's drift home from here
I can't stand the crowd
that took away my soul.

I guess being me.. i put a positive spin on everything... or at least try to...

So here are my Thank You's to everyone i know... i might miss out some ppl. i'm still human~

In alphabetical order...

Adrian: I've been working with you for 2 years and you never fail to make me laugh... You're such a spontaneous guy who's witty, cool and practical. But i'll still never forgive you for making me walk on the flyover! haha...hope we can still go try new food and ice cream even after ur gone from Coriander...

Ain: Thanks girl for the neverending funny books I read during breaks and heck even in class.. I hope the 'Hot Sauce' spirit never dies!

Aini: Where are you my darling? I miss you so much and i've not heard of you since u left sch... Thank you babe for the pretty smiles, laughter... the instillation of faith and love in me...

Alicia:TQ for all the tanning expeditions, the laughter, the nonjudgemental views that u always give,the love and the support u unflailingly provide and all the creative ingenius ideas u share!

Angela:I know we've been distanced, i don't know why... I guess i wanna say thank you for being there. I think it must be difficult to be in your position so thank you for putting up a strong front and for trying to help your friends in your special way.

Diana: My clubbing kaki in disguise... enuff said

Dila: Hey girl, thanks for your lovely voice and cheerful disposition!

Dominique: You let me believe that love can happen at any age.. and that you don't have to look your age! hehe

Gillian: Lovely Sweet Girl! Thank you for ur smiles and rational view on things...

Gretel: TQ for being my anchor to earth, for never ever feeling like u need to mask ur feelings with me, for Ashley, for being so kind to Ashley and taking up the huge responsibility that i would prob have not been able to upkeep...

Marcus: Thanks for the Wine... and the comforting gestures... I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be.

May: the best friend whom i see twice a year! haha... love you lots babe... thanks for being u...

Mel: My constant update on what's goin on in school! What would I do without you mel!

Jan: My Teh kaki!!! though ur gonna be in India soon and i'm here in singapore rooting for ur dreams... Go for it Jan~

Kaverne: Thanks for letting me know what its like to kiss someone with a lip piercing (i always wanted to know) and also for letting me see how you kiss sanjay!!!! But seriously, thanks for sharing, thanks for being the person you are and don't let anyone else say other wise.

Lyn1: Hey babe, i know its been a rough year for you but thanks for keeping that pleasant face and don't ever let anything or anyone get you down.

Lyn2: I know you care babe and thanks for that...

Rina: Another girl who makes me laugh like there's no tmr... blunders together galore~!

Sanjay: Hey my man... how was ur historic kiss with Kaverne? well.. thanks for being there no matter what and for all the laughs and anti-indian jokes from a fellow indian haha

Tammy: Hey babe... lovely dancing all the time... smile for me again another kiss for u too :x

Trisha: Hey babe... missed you so much and you're still the same..Thank you for accepting our humid lil island~

I've got so much going on!
so much
so damn much...
and yet, i'm still reminded of him

Listening to 'Confessions of a Broken Heart' kind of brings me back to past xmas seasons when i would tear to any of these mellow xmas songs:
'I'll be Home for Xmas'
'Have a Merry Little Xmas'
coz... no, he's never home for Xmas and i never have a Merry little Xmas coz all i wanted was a dad.. at least for xmas time.

But i gave up hope on that since i was 13... and my attention was diverted to another type of male species...

haha.. its sick to say, i've been finding male attention to make up for the lack of paternal presence. But it is very possible.

Anyhow, I find myself fast forwarding to the present and I float above myself and see a numb being.

I just read the blog of someone who claims she's depressed and she's taking prozac pills, sleeping pills... binging on temporary love and what not.

Been there.. haven't exactly done that.

I'm proud to say I've maintained the integrity of not doing extreme bodily harm (read: carving my hands, drugs, smoking,banging of head on wall) to myself even when utterly depressed. Although i must say, the twice a week intake of alcohol and the want to drink is a sign of weakness... and that very sporadic stealing of puffs from Kaverne's cig... all just temporary relief from the hurtful circumstances... i hate it all... and i'm glad to say i'm over it..with the persistance of inner courage and without the need of external help (tho friend's care and support have helped greatly)

HOWEVER, the hurt used to be planted deep inside....
~Keeping a smile on the outside but crying myself to sleep.
~Viewing love with such idealism but treating it with such cynism.
~Not allowing myself the rightful indulges i'm entailed to... there's always the feeling of guilt
~Storing thoughts in the capacity of my mind
~Bizarre random placement of trust which backfired and hurt me more emotionally

So therefore, healthy body with an unhealthy emotional state.

Joline's still stubborn though!

She still believes there's hope, there's still unconditional love, there's still a simple life, there's still faith, there's still innocence in the evil mind...

in this life plagued with torrid events and distasteful thoughts, the smile on my face is there for a genuine cause... the laughter for a sincere message of peace... the sparkle in my eye for a better day.

I'm lost but i'm hopeful
I'm numb but I'm real
I'm down but I'm staying alive

There's just too much to live that i can't give up... She's right.
We all live a charmed life...
If only she could understand and live what she's writing...

Everything everything everything brings me back to this point:
Josh makes me smile but doesn't know how to appreciate life and manage it...
Marcus wants to pursue love but doesn't even know what love is...
I'm just so tired of convincing them to see things from my pt of view...
I'm just so tired of weaning of their clinginess...
I just wanna live my life and still stay in touch...
To love doesn't mean to own... Can't they see that?
Besides, they don't even know what they're getting themselves into...
If only they could wait... and give me a chance of solitude and peace.
Thats all i ask for, that's all i pray for, that's all i need.

As for the loves of my life:
* My mother is still being her... though sometimes i think she forgets about the existence of her daughter, if not, the fact that I'm her daughter and not a care giver/counsellor/charitable organisation/her mother

*Gretel tries to make everything right except for herself (kindda sounds like me)

*Alicia is at the lowest of low... but the strongest of strong... tell me what i can do for you alicia... just say it and i'll do it...

Unconditional love is a fantasy... coz unconditional love is typically corrupted by unspoken needs, greed, non-reciprocation, blindess, expectations, different priorities...

I see all these things but just don't know what to do with them.

I wanna say that we should all just be flowers and lead simple lives but that would be too easy... too easy for everyone and that includes you. Then whats the point in living?

especially 'You only get what you give', 'flowers', 'i don't wanna die anymore and 'someday we'll know'

This may sound super cheesy.. but as a small girl observing the breakdown of my mom's marriage, I used to convince myself that

~I would always wait for the right guy to come along
~and it should happen between the ages of 23 - 26
~so that I could have a kid asap to avoid having a large generation gap between my kid and I.
~I believed that I would be a super committed lover
~who would select my partner based on character and personality alone ~and that once I started a relationship I would make sure it would work till the end.

Basically I did not wanna follow the footsteps of my mom. As I said 10 years ago,
'You've already got married twice. When will you ever be truly happy?'

10 years later,my belief system has been thoroughly challenged, mostly forgotten, changed, distorted and renewed.

! i still believe I should wait for the right guy, the one, the final, Whatever you wanna call it. I guess, just someone who would be compatible in terms of character, personality and mindset. He wouldn't have to be exactly the same as me. I would wanna love someone who views themself as an individual. Hopefully, he'd respect me for me and so would I. We would live life with fervour, hope and constantly challenge each other with neverending drive and love. The key words are bolded because, I thought he used to fulfill those qualities but it only happened half-heartedly and not all the time. sigh.

! Get married at the ages of 23-26? Who am i kidding? I'm so fucking afraid of the M word (yes, the one where u take your vows and take photos in the gardens of ROM. I mean, for ONE, thats to me a ceremonial bonus... just an officialisation of one's being together (hopefully) forever. I feel right now, that love may not come at the time you would like it to. Like my manager Dominique who at the age of 45, found the love of her life after so many misses. I'm so happy for her, truly I am and it just gives me hope that my time will come by... just maybe not now. So, all those that mull over love lost... i say, CHIN UP! You're not 85 yet...

!Not to mention the having a kid ASAP.. well, it occurred to my best friend a bit earlier than ASAP but she's dealing with the situation (i will not acknowledge it as a problem!). Little ashley is such an enigma... a bundle of joy who can replaces every word in 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' with 'wah wah wah wah wah'... Now, I definately mourn the loss of my own but whats done is done... I can only move on and when the right time comes, i'll prepare myself for the welcoming a mini inner being in the flesh. but before all of that happens, i have to make sure i'm mature enuff to take care of my own ass so i can take care of another's.

! Super committed? no, i can't say i was a super committed lover. Insecurities took over me in more ways than one. Just the need to prove to myself took a toll on me and ended disastrously. It was immaturity gone wrong. I'm bent but not broken and I guess I might have to find someone who is strong enough or at least trying to be. That would be good enough. But no matter what, don't pin me down on the mistakes I committed in the past. I've done my time and I know what can work or at least what can't and I'm not insane to do it again.

! the one thing that doesn't change is still the fact that I will choose someone base on character, personality and mindset alone. Looking at myself.. I think i would need someone who is independant, emotionally strong and strives to seek a balance in life. Of course all the positive attributes like being 'kind, generous, forgiving, knows when to have fun and when to be serious' still apply.

! Its also still true that i would make sure a relationship would work all the way IF the above mentioned factors were fulfilled. If not, no matter what I did, its just like squeezing a Sumo Wrestler into a size 8 Hot Pants - Time Consuming, Tonne loads of effort, PAINFUL (for the sumo wrestler and most probably the person helping him who might get sat on) and most importantly, unnecessary.

So there you go. Maybe I did this to remind myself of what I really want in this aspect. I don't feel sorry for the people that have come and sadly gone from my life. Dissapointed? Maybe at that time... But why waste (toomuch) time mulling about the past? I've gotten over it and moved on looking towards the future. I pray they have closure and get over the ghosts of the past too.

One things for sure, I've never intentionally manipulated anyone or say anything I did not mean.

Joline always means what she says and says what she means.

Truth hurts but Lies hurt more.

I've always loved stereophonics... and this song pretty much describes how I'm feeling now.
a breath of fresh air...

Maybe Tomorrow
Stereophonics

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

My love hate relationship with that radio station
Why do their beautiful jazz songs
have to be interrupted by
Superficial, unattainable Mercedes ads?
I seek solace in their gorgeous tunes
and melodies that I'm sure aren't meant
Just for people who need
"tips on dressing for that killer social event"

Just like how your appreciation for lounging
and chilling out is always intercepted
by that conceited throwing of your visa card.
I'd love having your companionship in the
partaking of wine but you simply
spoil the scent of grapes with your overly indulged Armani
and talk of superficial rubbish.

You know how that rock song that's oh so catchy?
But listen to the words and you'll find nonsensical
literature. Yes, truth from the heart over-wrapped
with meaningless swear words.
why must you cover yourself in poseur-ish
brands with the ironic effort to look non-chalent?
I've dedicated a short stanza to you coz that's
how you've been to me. A short paragraph
of nothingness. Just little gestures that
you pray I'll percieve as affectuion.
But then
only,
sometimes.
And only when I'm pissed off.

So here I am,
stuck between that graceful violin,
a stringed fantasy
and raw, rough drum,
hitting to a different beat.

Choking, smoking, taking in air...
All is good and all seems fair.
You pay for the cabride, I take my share
You lean on my shoulder, I take in your flair
I long for something that was never ever there.

Sometimes we lie to ourselves
Sometimes we lie to each other
Sometimes we seek the truth
Sometimes we hurt each other

Sometimes I see you cover
your heart with your hand
But the gaps between your fingers
Reveal the pulsating belief

Are we all taking each other
for a ride?
Are we all unintentionally
being snide?

Are we really on the same
pitched wavelength?
Or is the sound coming back to us
on a different sounding note?

Though two melodies may be different
But thats where harmony comes in

Oh the scent of comfort
lingers in my mind.
Push it all away,
Leave it all behind...

It was like any normal Sunday afternoon where I was hanging out with Gretel catching up on what had been going on during our week apart. Work, school and having a baby does keep one busy you know. While we were on a rampage of shoe stores which was fueled by my indecision on what type of shoe i needed, I recieved an SMS. A simple one liner from my dear friend Alicia:

"My mum just passed away."

As if there was nothing more to it... the 5 words brought about a whole tirade of emotions: Shock, Sadness, Fear, Concern, Puzzlement, Guilt and most of all Confusion.

Questions, Questions, Questions...

So many questions in my mind... and eventually so many questions posed to Alicia. Losing a mother at age 20 was something i believe no one would have expected. Yes, there are people who have lost a parent at even younger ages and even been orphaned since birth. But we are talking about a healthy woman who took care of the household and her three kids.

How did this happen?
How could this happen?
What's Alicia going to do?
What is her family going to do?
Will everything change?
Will everything be different?

So many queries some answered, some trying to be answered.

I've attended the wake 3 times this week in an attempt to show Alicia I care and I really care. I just don't know how to... except turn up, accompany her, join the prayer sessions, clean up after myself at the table and basically help her run tiny errands like collecting her pay, bringing down her pants, her shoes and bringing over 'collections' from coriander leaf...

This had definately impacted many people around her life... Even friends that have barely known Alicia. I guess thats what death does to people...

Firstly, there will be regrets and guilt like
"why didn't i see her more often?"
"why didn't i learn her home made recipes?"
"why didn't i do what she asked me to?"
why didn't i? why didn't i? why didn't I?

It happened to me too...
Thoughts of visiting my mother and grandfather came to mind... My whole life came in view and I was so worried at the outcome.

I was pretty affected at first, I told Josh "although I know i should think of how to help Alicia move on in life, I find myself wishing I could just bring her mother back to life."

But now, i'm over that i guess... I find myself a bit numb.. i don't know if i will defrost and be overwhelmed by emotions at the end but for now, I'm just trying to help her out in whatever way i can.

Lets not take things for granted and lets not let others take things for granted.

"forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those
who sin against us..."