Can't put a finger on it...?

the cleaner lady came to my desk and stood behind me with her hands on my shoulder for almost a minute...

before silence turned into awkwardness, i asked her how her day was. She said same old and smiled... something in they smile conveyed sadness which was confirmed by a tear rolling down her smooth cheek.

"Looking at the little children make me sad... Makes me think of my little boy at home in JB. Hari Raya coming but I cannot see him until next february..."

"3 months only what kak... It will come and go..."
I said in a feeble attempt to comfort her. In my heart, I was actually thinking... you know i felt sad too seeing kids coz i will never ever get to see my own. I changed the subject and talked about JB instead.

The topic moved on to driving and the cleaner lady told me with amused expression about her car "go-staning" while going uphill. I relayed about my fear of learning how to drive and there she stood.

the brave cleaning lady who gave birth, learnt how to drive and ventured out of her country to give her family a better life.

And I, afraid to do all the above...I felt ashamed.

Powerjam Rawked! And I seldom say anything rawks (with that prolonged Rrr !)

It’s basically a local band competition held by power 98 and the venue of the event was in the recently revamped Zouk! PLUS I had free invites!  (things you do in the office coz you’re bored… take part in radio competitions)

Mostly, my motivation for going was also to check out last year’s winner: RAFE (which stands for Rock And Fuck Everything [which sounds pretty primal if you think about it]) and also ELECTRICO my true blue local band!

The funny thing was that Electrico walked pass me and I didn’t even realise it was them?!?! I just saw Amanda and thought “Cute Girl…mmm” I didn’t know that it was “Cute Girl who plays keyboard in Electrico!!?!” Then I saw 2 guys putting up a poster on a lamp post outside Zouk and thought “hmmm… RAFE fans/friends?” I didn’t know that it should have been “hmmm.. RAFE Lead Singer putting up poster by himself”

My my…

RAFE was the first to perform and sadly, there were a few technical probs that occurred but they didn’t really handle it well… it could be the lack of performing experience but there was also this vibe of conceitedness that the lead singer portrayed. However, I still love their singles Everything and Perfect Day. I can say that they were the band that rocked the least… even all of this year’s finalists were better than them. I think they have to get over their contempt and the fact that they are 2004 Powerjam’s winners and realise that they have to play their fair share for the community who just want the best.

ALL THE FINALISTS WERE GOOD! Each with different flavours and styles. All enthusiastic, all tried their best and all get FULL MARKS for effort!

Lemme try to recall… the first one was old man band Syne Of Time consisting of middle aged men with pot bellies and old school bandanas. They were GOOD! The covered song was perfect and the lead and the guitarist were truly talented. They must have had performing experience because there were little screw ups and they had a lot of showmanship. They threw (paper) money in the air man!

Next was erm… I think it was called Pot of Rose? I prob got the name wrong but anyhoo the girl in the band had a great voice! Totally energetic and wonderful.

THE GREAT SPY EXPERIMENT was up next and the lead singer was… yummy… omg.. I rarely gush but I was gushing like nobody’s biz with him on stage… argh! Charming in his Franz Ferdinand like blazer over t shirt.. lots of ladies were probably swooning over him… yumm… Oh yes, they weren’t that great with their cover of The Killers “All These Things That I’ve Done” but rawked with their original song.
Monofone was an emo group with funky outfits – Hell the lead was dressed up in a marching band uniform! Ker-ay-zee… kerayzee cool! Ah… the whole band seem jap rock inspired and churned out jap rock balladish songs… the lead was FUCKING talented! Totally rocked my socks off! I was just totally awed at how he just put down his guitar and marched to the keyboard and played a beautiful classical, complicated sounding, need 20 fingers to play type of song… omg…

The Final band who were also the winner of Powerjam 2005 was B.A.R.B. and they were one of a kind. They looked like the Gorillaz’s relations in the flesh! The bassist with blue hair was decked out in a turquoise kimono top that had wayang like sleeves, long strings of beads and one with a huge shell pendant and grey cammo pants. Ker-ay-zee.. one of the lead singers wore an orange prison uniform and only had a shock of braided hair in the middle of his head (I swear)… the other one was well, in a suit but wore red stockings on his hand and cut up black stockings over it.. so cool… I almost wept in awe… and that was even before they played… they were truly performing…! Jumping all over the stage.. rapping… screaming.. showing off… gawd. The bar has been raised by far by B.A.R.B!

After all that… Rivermaya performed followed by Electrico… Rivermaya played a beautiful song and the guitarist was cute as in funny cute… every picture he took with fans had different poses, not just the plain look in the camera and smile type. Electrico rocked as usual… played running away, hip city and not made in the usa… which reminds me that I have to get their latest album… maybe this weekend… 

I havent’ indulged in me-time for a while.. miss lounging in my room listening to coldplay, keane, the killers, lauryn hill or whatever I feel like listening to, sorting out my wardrobe to revamp clothes then stopping halfway and then reading or chatting on the phone… ahh.. simple but heavenly…

I've never been crazy about the American Idol, nonetheless Kelly Clarkson but her latest song surprised me coz it really touched my heart.. or whats left of it.

"Because of You" refers to her raw emotions towards her mother and the pain Kelly went through during her parents separation... Which was what I and a lot of other kids I'm sure experienced as well.

The tear jerker was this:
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

--I even feel a tug in my heart while i type this. It seems selfish but I really felt I was too young to be enduring the emotional drama my mother inflicted on me and herself. It felt noble at that time-- me taking care of my mother (which i still try to do) but in the process, the little soul of mine gave way to the overbearing weight of pain and trauma no lil kid should be exposed to...

As such, I doubt monogamy

As such, I fear rejection

As such, I built a barrier around my heart

As such, I accepted the painful truth
and forgot about naive hopefulness

As such, I feel incomplete

As such, I have no idea what the role of a father is
coz its been demonstrated that all they do
is hurt and cause pain

As such, I take responsibility for everything

As such, I do a shitty job coz i take
responsibility for everything

As such, I forget about myself

As such, I feel guilty and try to numb the pain

As such, I feel like I have no one to turn to

As such, I store it all inside and put on a smiling
face

As such, I fear inflicting the same pain on kids
that I might not have.. as such

I'm waiting for the day when I can say, I do not fear and I can love wholeheartedly without being afraid of being hurt.

Anyway, here's the song Because Of You
another interpretation of what i feel in my heart:

Because of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Newsflash: Joline ventured to JURONG EAST yesterday! An area rarely even thought of by her.

I met Gillian at Jurong East coz its sortta in the middle of Wdlands and NUS? Anyway, just went there to have dinner, catch up and ended up watching CORPSE BRIDE as well! Finally! after gawdknowshowlong! Everything was pretty spontaneous yesterday.. most of the evening went like...

me:where do you wanna head for dinner?

G: I'm not sure leh... don't knw this place well...

me:everywhere is fast food!!!! lets just head to... (turns around and spots Kobayashi, points in that direction)
THERE!
(spots movie screening times and purposely walks by to see what shows are on... Corpse Bride.. 930pm)
Gillian! i wanted to watch this show so badly! \

G: so you wanna watch it? i'm fine.

me: OK!

...after buying tix we go sit at kobayashi...

me: so much to choose from! i can't decide!

...after 20 secs...

me: i want everything! ARGH!!!!!!!
(closes eyes and points at menu. Orders what her finger landed on.. good thing it was salmon)
...after eating...
(walks past macdonalds and Gillian spots new mac's icecream)

G: Joline whats dat!?!

me: new ice cream la... wanna have it?

G: yeah! Wat flavour do you want?

ME: i dunno (closes eyes and points at pic of icecream.. orders what her finger lands on-raspberry hehe)

G&me: *slurp* *slurp* yummmm

If only life was so easy huh.. can't decide what to do with your life, close your eyes and point at a pathway and take it or like at a cross road, just close ur eyes, turn round and round, open it and just walk straight...

But no.. we can't... we have to explore all options, draw out all consequences, work out opportunity cost and then derive the risk factors. At least I do...

So back to CORPSE BRIDE!

Hilarious show! A must watch but please be warned that you will feel like stabbing ur head due to the overwhelming amount of puns in the movie... oh mi gosh! It was like an overdose of my pun-spouting friend - Adrian... Gillian felt the same way. I just wanted to smack my head silly with the corny puns... argh! ah ha ha ha.. but its kindda like slurpee you know, u get the brainfreeze which hurts yet feels shiok at the same time... ha ha

While watching the movie, was taken in by some of the themes like love, letting go, dying ... (okay, take away dying.)

i wonder why.. hmmm...

i don't mind ending up like corpse bride man.. dissapating like my fire water story...

1. When you are depressed, you selectively listen to depressed songs on the radio and start smashing it coz u think it is purposely making you more depressed. It doesn't matter that in between "because of you", "ingenue", "lovefool" and "collide" there were songs like "dancing in the moonlight", "wish I" and "push the button".. the radio should be smashed for adding on to my melancholy!

2. when you are bawling you can still melodramatically think to yourself:
"My bangle smashed in the bathroom and my heart was broken in the bedroom" which evolved to..
"My bangle smashed into 3 pieces, incomparable to the shreds of my shattered heart"

3. you'd never be so thankful for makeup and friends after you've cried your eyes out.

once upon a time, in a world parallel to ours... there were two element spirits - water and fire. Naturally you'd think they'd be at odds due to their inherent characteristics. However, they never bothered about each other much and went their own way.

Secretly, the water spirit envied the fire spirit for her fervour, passion and ability to give light and warmth at all times.

Secretly, the fire spirit wished she too could be like the water spirit- free and easy, always adaptable to his evironment and sustain life.

Eyeing each other with suspicious interest, they kept a nonchalent front but harboured both deep liking and fear.

Both of them had insecurities which they hoped the other could help resolve.

The water spirit could never feel settled in one place, always flowing from one point to another, led by the environment and not making much decisions by himself.
But that was the way water was.

The fire spirit burned strong and bright but sometimes hurt people around her with her ceaseless flames which made her feel afraid of opening up for it would cause unintentional harm.
But that was the way fire was.

One day, the two element spirits confronted each other with their real feelings and revealed their conflicting emotions for each other. Once they realised that they both had the same desperate longing for each other, they fell into a tight embrace.

It was the biggest catastrophe in parallel history with disastrous floods raging and tremendous sparks of light as they cojoined.

They had never felt so strong and so weak at the same time. They never felt a sense of belonging so right yet so wrong. They kissed for what seemed like eternity, a wonderful eternity.

And then they fizzled out.

Water putting out fire.

Fire evaporating water.

As their souls dissapated into nowhere.

Joshua and I are like Water and Fire.

A block of ice,
That block of ice.
With an angel entrapped within.
I’m trying desperately
To get to you but
Nothing seems to give in.
My hands are sore
And numb from attempts of
Melting that icy confinement.
How many angry trysts have
I experienced, almost
Destroying the whole entity
Why did I have to notice your beauty?
Why did I have to sense your glory?
Me deadened fervour is revived with
A blink – a sign of life and hope
I must finally hold you warm in my arms.

I made 4 amazing discoveries yesterday...

1. Thanks to Lyn2 i have found out that Singapore has a Baboo Lane!!! Its in little india.. and i don't mean it in a discriminating way. Man oh Man! I have to have to have to go there and take snapshots!

2. Beer or Alcohol is also known as 'Grog' in some foreign languages according to Dom. Is that why we get GROGgy after 10 tequila shots?

mmmm tequila shots! yum... dbl o.. mmm... downing tequila with alicia.. mmm... sipping tequila... mmm... my own bottle of tequila all mine... yumm...

sorry where was I??

oh yes!

3. I haven't drank or clubbed in a month (last time was during my Birthday) which probably explains the momentary devotion of attention to tequila shots... soothing tequila shots... mmm... salty tequila shots.. tequila sunrise.. mmm... body shots tequila.. yum....mmmm... this is some bad shit

4.when the boyfriend buys you shoes that you're not crazy about. Just act like YOU ARE crazy about it coz HE'LL ACT ALL CRAZY and lament that he'll never buy shoes for you again. (its just that the colour's a shade too light wat...) BUT ANYHOO... to pacify him.. where it in the house and say you like it so much you'll wear it to sleep and then really wear it to sleep and wait for him to yank it off your feet while calling you a crazy bitch.

the bottom line? R/s are just plain crazy.

So there you go...
Joline's Amazing Discoveries

According to the Straights Times, there’s going to be competition between True Yoga and Pure Yoga both big Yoga studios set up in prime locations catering to the yuppie market offering specialised services like “authentic Indian yogis” or “Hot Yoga” – Yoga conducted in a 37degrees hot room. WHAT’S GOING ON? I’LL TELL YOU WHATS GOING ON!

I was kicking myself for not pursuing my dream of eventually teaching Yoga coz it’s such a lucrative market at the moment.

And then I kicked myself again for actually having that thought because that’s NOT THE REASON for yoga… Yoga is like Buddhism.. it’s a way of life…

By my own definition: it’s a pursuit of self awareness and leveraging on your own capabilities to attain greater heights. Through Yoga, one can seek peace, harmony with one’s surroundings and a clearer open mind with a wider perspective. The lifestyle of yoga is not just limited to constant practice of the postures! It is an overhaul on your eating habits, lifestyle choices (drinking, smoking and the likes), mindset and emotional being.

ALL OF WHICH I’M NOT DOING RIGHT NOW but it’s an aim nonetheless!

So I digress to the issue of ‘True Yoga’ Vs ‘Pure Yoga’. I’m afraid more and more people are realising the potential of offering what used to be an alternative lifestyle and selling it to masses of the emotionally and spiritually starved. People are manipulating yoga to yield profits and create a business. Fortunately, reps from each company did mention something about the purpose of the yoga studio being more than just competition.

I pray that the essence of Yoga will never be lost and turned into a meaningless fad.. and that True Yoga and Pure Yoga will live up to their names- Truth and Purity... I hope people will have enough sense to see thru the fake and go the real stuff.

Heck, if you’re so rich, go to India and learn from the real gurus man.. spend a month or 2 there, eat veg and see how simply they live (the maharajah doesn’t count)…

the superficial side of me still thinks.. Why didn't i pursue the damn dream?

the erm non-superficial side of me thinks... thank god u have nothing to do the commercialism of yoga.

Ate at Carls Jr yesterday with Josh to celebrate his birthday (actual day of birthday). somehow felt kind that i was so happy for him on his birthday unlike how he was on mine. *pout* i guess he's like only happy when i'm happy and sad when i show him a pissed off face. hmm...

Anyhoo.. Carl's Jr was pretty good.. Not as filling as I expected.. Everything is Supersized size btw.. i was ignoring the thought of a supersized belly when i was chomping down my burger. Oh yes! DON"T GET THEIR ICED TEA! its real iced tea.. as in they use real tea bags and add ice but its too strong and thick... i couldn't bear to take more than 3 sips. After our scrumptious meal, our rebellious stomachs told us to head to Swensons for sticky chewy chocolate. We had such a good time i couldn't believe it! We were just laughing and snapping silly pics and feeding each other ice cream in a purposefully messy way (you know, fool him into thinking ur feeding him and u actually jam ice cream on his nose!)

Satisfied, actually, over-satisfied bellies made us walk from Marina Square to Arab Street to meet up with Angela, Lyn1 & 2 and Lyn 2's friend sharon (?)

Josh and i took more silly pics! we recalled that we wanted to do a project of funny street names in Singapore.. Mainly coz we were on this particular bus route that went past a lot of cool street names...

Moonstone Lane

Peppermint Ave

Lemon Drive

Kapoh Rd

how cool right?

Maybe i should set up a blog depicting all the road signs and maybe lil stories about their origins and wht can be found around them.

It would be a little adventure and project for josh and I!

so exciting!

yesterday, we took Arab St and Baghdad St already.. and a gender confused looking belly dancer sign.

Numb to the sound of alarms,
Immune to the right time to wake up,
Used to the cycle of morning rituals
We're on our way again.

Reach our destination in due time
Dream-like stares permeate the bus
or train
or sidewalks
or car.
Whichever way you're taking
to the rest of your life.

Whole rows of strangers
Nestle in close proximity and
Settle down in faraway worlds
where stagnance rules and there's no
such thing as
Next Station or
the ringing of the Bell or
Green, Yellow and Red.

The hoarde of strangers going in the
same direction
with different stops
with different purposes
But all fare paying customers
and all called commuters.

She readily embraced his warm soothing form,
Closed her eyes and let the decadence take over
within tight clamps, he lifted off and took her high above the clouds,
Farther than any being, she saw herself leaving behind the stars,
the moon, the space that she loved.
To feel that momentary pleasure.
Once the heights reached a giddying level,
she saw nothing but
darkeness,
heard nothing but
silence.
She had no wings of her own
She was never meant to fly
Nor soar above the heavens
with her feet off the ground
and she realised that too late.

When the tight embrace became
a choking vice,
the stench of guilt overpowered,
the flashbacks of consensual unwillingness
consumed her every being.
She saw light, starkness and reality
She heard warning voices that took
lightyears too long.

He let her plunge, just as well as he had feigned kindness.
He let her plunge, just as well as he dangled her from the threads of her emotions
He let her plunge,
Oh, he let her plunge.
Instantaneous descend.
And all God could do was watch her fall
again.
She slipped past his hand
Landed on Earth with an awakening.
She had fallen into the depth
of ugliness and hate
where crushed bugs formed a bed and mangled trees imprisoned her soul.
And all she could do was run.
Out of the darkness desperately brushing away bug carcasses and tripping over hidden tree roots.

Joshua's just turned 21 which usually signifies his entry into adulthood and club momo.. haha...

however, these pictures taken from his birthday chalet prove otherwise...

the men and boys setting up the BBQ pit

the ladies prepping in the kitchen

just SOME of the yummy food.. hey, i helped wrap those samosas!

therein lies the 5kg, lemme repeat FIVE KG Cedele Cake that i picked up just before dinner... apparently we have to cling wrap it or something...

when we asked for help to wrap the cake, we were told 'go wrap yourselves la' so thats what we did...

hmm... its my party and i'll pout if i wanna... pout if i wanna pout if i wanna...

you would pout too if this happened to you!

Josh and campmates

What did everyone do? the Ee family having warming up together around the BBQ pit..

the other side of the family.. well, just glued to the Telly

the kids bonded with some monetary games.. ie gambling... kids start managing money at such a young age.. aww..

Justin learning the meaning of probability.. josh's mother behind aghast at the mini gambling den

ta dah! the 5 kg cake revealed and lit up.. it just looks like one blardi huge brownie

Happy Birthday Baby!

make a wish..

Cutting the damn cake

His Dad, Mom, Christopher, me and Bryan (don't we look like a family alreadY?)

the Ee family!

the mom's side

oh man.. i reached the end of my bandwith! damn limited space of free blogs! this story had such a nice flow.. lemme attempt to continue this on flickr...

I have to express my utmost dissatisfaction at 2 things: smell and smoke

Firstly, I have a very sensitive nose… it has come in useful (to me at least) when detecting if my bf’s have been smoking.. after which I will ask them and see if they are telling the truth. There is no escape I tell you! I am a walking smoke detector… if I was a product I’d be sprouting water even if a smoker who smoked 2 days ago came by. And its not just from his clothes or hair.. the only real way to tell if HE has smoked and NOT jUST hung out with smokers is to smell it from his fingers and esp his breath. I can detect it EVEN the day after! Not a very appreciated skill of mine I would say. Anyway, I never knew this attribute of mine would be a curse till I started work at this place where this guy used this pretty strong perfume… Now, to average erm, smellers, it would be characterized as pretty strong but to me, it was BLOODY-FUCKING-LINGERS-AROUND-YOU-FOR-AGES-UNTIL-U-JUSt- WISH-U-NEVER-KNEW-HOW-TO-BREATHE type of strong. I’m serious… now everytime the walking perfume bottle goes by… I suffer in strongly scented silence.. oh woe is me… so now I know a gift can also be a curse…

Now back to the smoke detector issue… I can’t emphasise enough how much I don’t like my friends to smoke… be it Joshua, Gretel the usual bunch… its not about the smell… its about the cigs… the harm cigs can cause… now, I’m not saying that I’m a perfect non-smoker coz I’ve smoked for a super short period of time to see if it’d really helps relieve stress as smokers have claimed… YES it does relieve stress MOMENTARILY and then ur probs still exist.. so no bloody difference. Other cons? The money spent, the bad breath, the uncool image, the dependence on an external pipe… need I say more?

Of course, it ain’t just smoking, its every other negative factor as well… drinking and getting drunk, eating unhealthy food, gambling, spending money like nobody’s business and other bad habits and addictions… all of which I do dabble in as well… I guess I’m just trying to say that, me being non-perfect doesn’t mean I can’t seek perfection for myself and others as well.

Its not a very happy topic to think about… that everyone has vices and that we are weak in those ways… but its true.. and I’m not gonna stand by and watch them fade away into oblivion… What kind of friend would I be?

Nonetheless, I have no right to judge anyone nor tell them what is right or wrong… everyone lives by their own rules and jurisdiction… same here… I just try to do what’s right for me and everyone else.. or rather… I try not to do something that would hurt me or others…

Not an easy thing to do… not easy at all.

Firstly, i apologise if this entry comes out all abrupt and disintegrated... i'm sick and can't think in an organised manner...

ok here goes nothing...

I had a wonderful weekend spent at Joshua’s 21st birthday chalet. Against my initial decision to stay at the chalet on Saturday, I went ahead and stayed over on Friday even though I couldn’t claim cab fare and I was freaking tired. The good thing was that I managed to help out with the food prep on Saturday morning… Josh’s aunties were trying to teach me how to fold samosas… something I do for a living at coriander leaf: teach ppl how to fold samosas.. so they were pretty glad that I got the hang of it after ONE TEACHING.. haha! But I did reveal to them later that I had erm.. experience in case they were convinced I was a samosa prodigy!
Honestly, I really wouldn’t mind making snacks or food bites and sell them to Mama shops.. I love the home-made food sold at the mama shop downstairs so hopefully others would love mine too.. but that’s another thought for another day.
ANYWAY, I would think the turnout for the birthday celeb was as expected.. it’s gd to have a huge family.. Lets see…
Josh’s Mother’s side: 20
Josh’s Father’s Side: 20
Josh’s Campmates: 15
Josh’s Friends: 12
TOTAL: 67
TWO-THIRDS of the turnout came from both sides of the family already. IF it was my chalet.. it’d probably be…
Jo’s family: 3
Jo’s friends/colleagues: 18
TOTAL: 20
Can only fight with ONE side of his family.. the lucky bugger.

Did I mention he got $XXXX for his birthday angbow in total? Sigh.. I’d be happy to receive 3 digits…
Not that it matters la…

There was a very obvious divide amongst both sides of his family.. the mom’s side (Chinese side) were in the chalet glued to the TV next to the buffet line and had BBQ food taken to them. The dad’s side were outside surrounding the BBQ pit with his dad and dad’s bro doing the BBQing.. and I was kind of playing host to both sides making sure both sides had enuff food. I guess they have different types of cultures and exposures. The Chinese side may be big in number but they aren’t as close as they seem.. unlike his dad’s side. Nonetheless, Josh’s just damn lucky to have such a huge nice family.. separated or not.

Josh’s present from me was Hugo Boss’s Energise which was part of his Wish List… I make fun of him by saying his Wish List’s so long I can categorise it by Alphabet. Actually it will be true… at the rate he’s adding to his list.. I almost can’t keep up…

I’m always trying to make him happy.. but I keep mixing up our definitions of happiness. I guess that’s where disagreements come about. Always good intentions with wrong actions.. that applies to both of us. Sigh.. if only we always had a 3 rd party around to come and slap us whenever we become too pin-holed and only see things our way.

we just had our 2nd year anniversary and we didn't celebrate it coz he was working full shift that day. We have this policy that "we shouldn't celebrate anniversaries and such but instead, celebrate everyday of our lives". So easy to say but so easy to forget as well... i was pretty tempted to change the policy to "we should celebrate everyday of our lives and especially on anniversaries and the like..." hehe.. i think it makes more sense...

Why do people make a big deal out of their birthdays? the date of the month they got together with their bf or gf?

Coz it means something and they wanna remember it and reminisce the significant event...which is probably a healthy thing...

i can't forget this joke from FRIENDS where Phoebe was telling Monica that she was celebrating her first anniversary with her bf and monica asks her whether it was her first date? first time they held hands? first kiss? first time they had sex? and phoebe ponders for a moment and goes "uh huh, yeah". Actually this is a pretty common thing... first everythings and one-time everythings. What happened to old fashioned chasing and wooing and romancing and dating and flirting and THEN fucking?(and not in one day)

ANYWAY here are some pics of Josh and I and we look like we're celebrating.. celebrating silliness that is.... hehe

when in the bus without a mirror! just use a camera!

THIS PLUS...

THIS PLUS...

THIS PLUS...

THIS EQUALS...THIS

sometimes everything seems so sketchy

sometimes we keep our feelings in the dark...

i wonder if there is a song that goes like this:

i fucking love you
but u don't see it,
ur fucking stuck in ur head,
u don't believe it,
i'm standing right in front of you
pleading
yet all you do is walk away
in anger.

i'm working things out
but to no avail,
u don't listen to me when i wail,
i feel like giving up
but time says no,
u've come so far now
so don't let go
i used to be so scared of loving you
yet now u prove to me that its true
so pls forgive me when i say,
i feel like dying on our anniversary day

coz i sure had it in my head that day...

don't mind me.. just a small depressed episode, i've picked myself up as usual and decided that if he's not gonna go the extra mile for me, its pointless pushing him to do it or expecting him to... its just that when u love someone so much, u go psycho.. i'm turning into a psycho cardigan's 'love me' song-like girl... oh no!

As life never fails to show me, my perfect beautiful day ended in a not so perfect way! ah hahaha.. is it a test of my patience or what?

I was released early from work last night to my dismay but realised later that i could then join josh for an early supper. HoWevER! I realised my ez link card was missing from my pocket!

I searched myself, my bag, the whole restaurant but couldn't find my ez link card. The sucky thing is that I just topped it up before i went to work and this is the 2nd time i lost my ez link card immediately after i topped it up and at the restaurant as well!

(there could be a serial ez link card thief in the midst of the restaurant who only targets topped up cards!)

My manager said i should have the ez link card on a lanyard (so school-ish)...

Josh said that i should just have the chip implanted in my arm or something.. unless i'm careless enough to lose a limb.. which would deem losing the ezlink card the least of my worries.

Oh well...

Losing the card brought upon a lot of related worries like... do i have enuff money to get a new card.. i worked it out: getting a new card ($15) would be equivalent to the two hours i worked last night (2x$8=$16).. sigh...

Josh's birthday is coming up.. wanted to do something for him but i doubt i can now.. (not just coz of the loss of my ezlink card.. i'm over that now. but coz of other factors...)

Nonetheless, i'll still recall my beautiful day and I was actually pretty positive at the end of the day coz in the search for my TOPPED UP EZ LINK CARD, i found someone elses's sony ericsson phone battery which prob costs more than mine.. So good for them...

joline, the crusader for finding other's lost items by searching for HER own lost items... somehw i sense that wouldn't really be a very happy comic hero.

nothing really.

Today was a lovely day.. no, a beautiful day!

I didn't go to work in the day due to the drowsy effects of medicine and had a wonderful dreamless sleep all the way till noon. I got up with Josh by my side and it was the first time HE woke me up. (usually, i get up first and struggle to pry open his eyes so he won't be late for work.) Rushed to get ready, left the house with him, kissed him goodbye at the bus stop and made my way to my gdpa's house.

In the bus, i had to pay by cash coz i forgot to top up my card yesterday - the driver allowed me to pay student fare~! Josh called me on his way to work to say he missed me and we talked till i reached home and he reached work.

Walked down that long path to my house and took in the non-glaring warmth of the sun and slight breeze only to find my mom just leaving the house. We went out for lunch together (her treat Hee Hee) and i made my way back in the cool atmosphere. Finally entered my house and was pounced upon by my lil hyper puppy-wannabe dog.

Now, which part of the day was beautiful?

ALL OF IT!

Sleeping till noon is a luxury, having accessibility to medicine is a blessing, having a cute boy wake me up and walk me to the bus stop and call me after leaving me for a min is amazingly wonderful, having the bus driver think i was still a student is well, (in a shallow way) delightful! Having good weather (read: non-glaring warmth of the sun and slight breeze) is god-sent. Meeting my mom and having lunch with her is great, simply great and i really really appreciate it. Sure beats the past when all we did was fight and argue. And really, having a lil hyper puppy-wannabe dog greet u so enthusiastically makes u feel like a very important person.

With Hurrican Katrina and the Bali bombings, I'm sure lots of people realised how lucky and fortunate they are. But it shouldn't be that way. We should really be thankful for every little thing we have and not focus on the negative and take everything else for granted.

its easy for me to say this coz i've had a beautiful day but i know that in my darkest moments, i'll think back on this non-eventful, peaceful day and just be glad.

Remember that fastball song.. i forgot the title but there was a line where he sings 'i laugh at funerals' and i never thought i would live that line till last night.

My Grandaunty (or grandma's sister) passed away a few days back so my mom and i attended the wake last night. All the cousins, aunties, uncles, family friends that i never really knew all suddenly congregated in one place and i offered my condolences to people i was blood related to but barely could recall their names.

My mum, being the ever bubbly person she is, was cracking jokes with her fav cousin and they were laughing about old times. Some people clicked tongues and gave warning stares but they continued. Soon, the whole inner circle of the family sat at one round table - 3 generations descending from the Khoo family, the last two surviving sisters, most of their children and the a sprinkling of kids (my tier). i 'caught up' or rather got to know one of my aunts who was just super nice and chatty and soon found myself laughing and enjoying my conversation. On the opp end of the table, my mom was chatting with the two surviving sisters and still laughing with her cousins. There was talk about running around the kampong, who got rotan-ed more, who was the most favoured and of course, regards sent to each other's family.

such a solemn occasion evolved into a gathering session. there was this quote that went something like "People should laugh at your birth and cry at your death (and hopefully not the other way around)"
But i guess last night was an exception.

They said Aunt Annie told the maid that she saw three handsome men in white floating from the ceiling. She passed away in her sleep 2 hours later. I hope my grandma had the priveledge of 3 handsome men receiving her as well. I hope they're together in safe arms and in a better place. God bless.

Here are pictures where I was ACTUALLY HAPPY during my birthday! I finally got them off Alicia's Camera.. yay!!!

Alicia who made lots of things happen for me and whom I am so grateful for coz all the photos were taken with her Cam...

I just gotta put another pic of her coz i love her too much... !!Oh yes, She's leaving for Australia next tuesday.. another beloved friend departing temporarily.. but i'm really happy for her as well~~

Joshua who refused to just bend a lil so that i wouldn't look so short.. grr

this was after much hints and persuasion than he finally realised his gf wasn't of supermodel height (or anything else for that matter)

okay, i'm standing up now... i forgive him.

My mango and yoghurt cheese cake.. Super duper yummy... and ignore the 2 candles pls...

stabbing.. i mean cutting the cake! and mmm.. check out my fav poison next to the cake... hehehe

Holding my gift from sanjaybanjay! it came in a pretty wrapper and i could guess it was containing a big bloody candle
what i didn't know was, the candle contained the message "Happy Birthday!" when u lit it up.. cool or wat!

the lovely sarah who came down alone just for moi!

Alicia thinks:"should i give her a b'day kiss?"

"ah! wat the heck!"

and sarah joins in
(note.. everything gets pretty wild from here on)

Okay, kaverne joins in too~!

joline thinks:"aw comeon! everyone gimme a kiss!"

and thats what everyone did!

Nat comes down after work even though he's so shagged and tho the bar is closing in an hrs time... he pays for entry and buys me shots! the lovely boy

from left, dimple boy, boy on fire and boy with one eye and nostril

joline to alicia:"the kiss shall be our lil secret!"

exactly what the doctor ordered... a 'screaming orgasm'

hungry for more shots!

we'll do anything! we promise! more drinks pls!

and we finally get what we wanted~ yum-a-tum-tum

okay, i don't remember sitting on a contractor wheel.. but this photo proves otherwise...

And thats all for this photo gallery post! haha.. i did have a happy birthday after all...