Can't put a finger on it...?

I never thought I would need alcohol to have a good sleep.
I never thought that I would find out later that simply having a good time can also lead to having a good sleep too! (Haha)
I never thought that I would go clubbing without any intake of alcohol
I never thought I could still have fun clubbing without any intake of alcohol
I never thought I would ever feel like I couldn’t live without someone

I never thought I would be working for a government association… and actually fancy some bits of it.
I never thought I would be dabbling in designing as an actual job (well, industrial attachment) and actually be glad coz I’ve always liked to design but not for constructive reasons
I never thought that I would be of so much help to my workplace designing… for the first time

I never thought I would find being veg the hardest but most important thing to do
I never thought I would find meat tantalising but utterly disgusting… and that selective thinking helps (i.e NOT thinking bout slaughter and cruelty to animals when eating a slab of steak)

I never thought I would not know what to do with my life…
(which reminds me of this quote I read in a Candace Bushnell book about a blonde that got famous as a lingerie model coz she was in an ad saying “I don’t know where I’m going but I know I’m going somewhere.” DUH!)
I never thought there would be so many hypocritical people around (myself included)

I never thought I’d write an entry such as this…

Some philosopher once said,

The more you know the more you know you don’t know.

I say,
The more you think about it, the more you realise you didn’t think about it.

I had a dramatic weekend starting from last friday.. its funny how i have so much to say in my head and how much i think about things but when it comes to blogging them down or communicating them with others i get stuck and selective with what to say. then again,i guess just sprouting out whatevers in my head wouldn't be a great idea as well.

Irony is...
being willing to spend 1 grand on overseas calls to josh and finding it so difficult to find 1 grand to finance my mom's studies..

irony is...
hearing bout how my mom chased my stepdad outta the house in the afternoon and working at an outdoor catering where the occasion is a couple celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary at night.

irony is...
having the guests go inside the house when there is a heavy downpour and the service staff keeping the tables and chairs and starting our own party (read: splashing champagne, coke and basically anything fizzy at each other)

irony is...
hearing how tired josh is when i'm feeling tired too from working day and night...

irony is...
being able to say all this now in such a matter of fact way when it ain't simply a matter of fact at all

I've always been pretty self destructive in more ways than one...

Emotionally:
~I worry beyond the level of necessity and end up unable to fully enjoy myself and live for the moment
~i worry that i worry beyond the level of necessity so i end up unable to fully enjoy myself and live for the moment.

Physically:
~Its not that bad but it ain't that great to turn to comforting externalities like alcohol, menthol cigs, alcohol, company of ppl who just make me feel gd but add no value in my life, super prolonged sleep, getting into fights over other trivial things, oversurfing the net, overindulging in trashy novels i don't like, overplaying a game again and again... oh, and chocolates! (how could any girl forget chocolates?) Just basically anything that helps me forget bout my present situation for a while.

The shitty thing is that, i used to advise my alcoholic friend that one should always preserve a clear state of mind to deal with life as it is. Truth hurts, i said, but the faster u get burnt, the faster u'll heal. Well, look who's talking now. Or rather, look who's drinkin, smokin and piggin out now...

The good thing is that i've identified my addictions and i'm starting to battle em out... of course, some aren't addictions, just lil bits of personal contraband that i turn to in times of desperate wants, (not needs, mind you). I doubt i'll never ever be able to stop the worrying... okay, maybe in like 2 decades or so... coz the past 2 decades have cultivated me into a worrier but thank god, also a thinker, an analyser (?)... basically someone who takes views everything as important or rather seeks out the value in everything that has to do with anything.

As always, there are pros and cons, i can't repeat it enough...

i guess we just have to looks towards the pros but be mindful of the cons.

yeah, easier said than done...
tell me about it...

Yes, i'm writing about nothing coz, i feel nothing as it is...

Seriously, i read a book about 'nothing' referring to space and time... space and time is well, nothing coz u can't put it under a microscope... at least thats why ppl in white lab coats think.

Tell that to say...
a runner in a race,
a dying person,
a worker late for an impt meeting,
a student taking an exam paper,
90% of the world's population,
time is everything.

and..
a claustrophobic person stuck in a lift,
a person with a clingy girl/boyfriend,
a commuter sitting next to a sweaty fat man,
a family of 10 in a single room apartment,
space is everything.

So how dare these people of science call it nothing?!?!
Fortunately, the book i read titled "why nothing is important" agrees with ME! from a scientific point of view of course. The author is a philosophical scientist which is a first for me. A fantastic first! Finally someone who uses science to explore the mysteries of the universe not just to claim credit to nano technology or coz he was a social outcaste.. but someone who does it to look for well, god... the creator of the universe, the origin, the one responsible for the big bang (if it happened) and whatever you call it.

Back to my point, and may i summarise.. The whole deal is, just coz microscopes can't see anything in space or well, time.. doesn't mean there's nothing in it! hah!

okay i'm done analysing... tired...

Hey... i'm working everyday and everynight this week. There's this pressing worry that i'm gonna need more money and Joline knows that her gut feelings are always right as was her gut feelings about the birthday screw-up, i mean, party. Which! by the way, I am over. I think looking at retarded pics and funny pics really helped me remember the good bits of the night.

By the way, i SMSed my friend who seemed troubled on my bday night. It went like this: "thanks for coming that night. i could tell you were unhappy or uncomfortable. Whichever the case, i hope whatever's bugging you is gone or better. Take care". So the ball was in her court and i was waiting for some sort of explanation. She did reply to say that she was tired becoz she had to work for a few days straight and had work the morning after the party. I was pretty much pacified. i guess, when u calm down and treat people in an anti-antagonistic way, they calm down too. I have to learn how to do this more often... and eventually, naturally... heh god help me with that.

Okay, Pics! these are only SOME of it coz only Kaverne has sent me HALF of her pics.. something happened on MSN and couldn't rec the other half...

at Aioli!

With the cake & candles that were left lit for a long time coz Josh was erm... occupied... anyway, alicia and lyn in the back, sanjay & kaverne stealing the limelight and a sad joline & joshua w the cake

oh man... i still look so upset... but i tried to smile i swear

with Kaverne and her pretty indian friends Manjit and Rachel.. sorry sarah who's at the back~

these were the crucial ones who actually made my birthday happy! Thanks Alicia, Kaverne, Sarah and Sanjay

Our secret-not-so-secretive relationship ended here.. coz she went to entertain pretty indian girl who is more attractive than a quarter of an indian girl.. haha

so this was our first and last kiss! haha... there's mre kisses coming soon

So... that's only part 1... still waiting for moare frm kaverne, alicia & sanjay...

Okay, I wrote this long ago while I was in the train on the long journey home…

9 Ways to Look Beautiful

1. Lose Weight
2. Be Obsessed with Scales
3. Work Out
4. Be Provocative
5. Make Up
6. Spend
7. Detox
8. Brand
9. Dare to Bare

Now, wait wait wait wait wait… before you think this is a shallow composition from a superficial stick-figure-wannabe… Lets look at the elaborated version:

9 Ways to Look Beautiful:

1. Lose Weight – Get rid of excess emotional burden weighing down ur heart and mind now! All those “should have’s”, ‘why didn’t i?’s” and regrets should be dealt with ASAP. Okay, some take more time than others… but time heals all wounds and the most important thing is to take that first step in eradicating all negative emotional episodes that haunt you and prevent u from living life the way u should be. If ur truly traumatised, seek help and be patient… answers come by in mysterious ways and may not instantaneously solve all probs.

2. Be Obsessed with Scales – YOUR OWN SCALES. Don’t live by other people’s standards… they may be higher than yours but you may require a different pace OR they may be less ambitious which may make you feel greedy or overly-hardworking. Whatever the case, work at a pace you’re comfortable with but DO push yourself out of your comfort zone little by little to seek new adventures and test your limits. Remember: challenge by choice.

3. Work Out – that mind of yours. Never ever stop thinking, questioning, wondering and solving. You know that lil bit bout how we only use less than 10% of our brains? Well, at least maximise it and find meaning in the things you do… don’t just be a clockwork being.

4. Be Provocative – Arouse thoughts, puzzlement, curiosity through unconventional ways or through simple actions. Instead of lamenting that you’re bored… or ‘sian’ or that life’s not happening… go make things happen! And inject life into the people around you… stir up the humdrum of everyday mundanity… think out of the box and just basically live.

5. Make Up – not make over… don’t cover up what is there or add something artificial (permanently at least) Enhance what you have… imagine if hurricane Katrina or Tsunami comes by and sweeps away all your make up and maybe a fake nose or wig or mask. What will you do without your ‘essential make up’? So, on top of crisis management skills, always be prepared… to be comfortable with yourself no matter what. Its really possible to leave the house without your make you and be the real you.

6. Spend – spend time on worthwhile things… if only you knew how precious time is… before you know it, where did all those minutes go? Yes, time flies, we all know that. But are we doing anything about it? Whatever rocks your socks… spend time on that and think long term.. Yes, u may behave like there’s no tomorrow but also live like there MAY be a tomorrow… in other words… be a controlled maniac. Also, balance your time out in terms of your own priorities which should mainly include – yourself,

7. Detox – Not just yourself as in the no alcohol, no smoking, no meat, no preservatives and no sex (you neva know) but also your life. Yes please resist anything negative like drinking, puffing that ciggie, pigging out, thoughts as well… thoughts of drinking, puffing, pigging out… and/or turning on the AC even though its not that hot (CFCs,global warming and the likes). Just basically do things right and live right as much as you can.

8. Brand – brand yourself as an individual. Ever wonder why Runway models and factory goods share the same name (model)? Coz their manufactured and mass produced. Don’t be a factory good like say... a washing machine! Be a unique individual… Every one’s unique in their own way (there’s the dilemma of “if everyone’s unique, it won’t be unique to be unique anymore” but! one problem at a time) Look towards others for inspiration and ideas but do not copy blindly and form yourself as exact cut-and-pastes'.

9. Dare to Bare – your soul that is… it takes courage to open up and say what you truly feel inside. Some people feel inclined to mask their actual thoughts out of consideration of others but bottling emotions will lead to long term negativity which is more harmful than dealing with it there and then. Of course, you don’t go around saying you hate everyone (unless you really do, in which case, I can’t help you) Be tactful, nonetheless but be truthful as much as possible.

OKAY… phew… 9 not so easy steps in looking beautiful. How do they make you look beautiful you say?

Well, just by doing everything will make you feel beautiful which will be projected in your outlook for a lifetime guarantee and that’s something plastic surgery can’t promise you: Beauty that’s more than skin deep.

I know this all sounds very “self-help-ish” but I truly believe in it…